SUH'S CPR MISHAP WILL COST HIM TWO GAMES



After being helped to his feet,
Ndamukong Suh had a sudden
and momentary case of vertigo.



The NFL has decided that they do not believe the Thanksgiving Day resuscitation efforts of the Detroit Lions' Ndamukong Suh and have suspended the defensive tackle for two games. 

Suh, who has not yet been reached for comment, is expected to appeal the suspension due to, as one teammate put it, "he don't think he did anything wrong".  And yes, most anyone can clearly see that Suh was simply shoving the head of Green Bay offensive lineman, Evan Dietrich-Smith to ensure that he would not become unresponsive.  I'm not certified myself, but I too always thought that that was the first step you take when performing CPR.

Prior to the decision, Commissioner Roger Goodell had received an apology phone call from last season's rookie of the year, but instead, it was more like pleading his case to a jury.  According to reports, Ndamukong Suh repeatedly said to Goodell things like, "his eyes were rollin' back in his head", "hindsight, I might've panicked" and "I was so disoriented when I got up, I lost my footing".

It's just unfortunate that a story that believable warrants a 2-game suspension.

WRITERS FEEL A.L. CY YOUNG VOTE WAS WASTE OF TIME



Justin Verlander admits that even
he was shocked that it took
so long to get his award.

Every member of the Baseball Writer's Association of America (BBWAA) feels as though they could have skipped the A.L. Cy Young vote this year and just given it straight to Justin Verlander at season's end.  Most in the audience actually thought it was a practical joke, and therefore didn't particularly care for the fact that the group went ahead with the vote, which apparently took somewhere between 7-8 minutes.

"It was absurd."  MLB.com staff assistant, Marty Dumpfkin explains, "Anybody who watched this year knows this was a waste of time.  And we right about baseball, we know what a 'waste of time' is."

Many, if not all, felt that the time could have been added on to a time-pressed restroom break that had just ended seconds before.  In fact, already expecting the extra time before the manager of the year vote, some were late   returning while grabbing an extra cup of coffee from an adjacent conference room.

One voter remembers having to drink his final cup of coffee "without any sweetener at all", and thought for sure that the call back to the room for a vote was "no reason to drink it black".  He was so baffled by the abrupt decision that other writers recall having to hear him complain about his "unfulfilling" cup of coffee for the remainder of the session.  Which took somewhere between 7-8 minutes.   

NFL CASHES IN ON SECOND COMING OF TEBOW



NFL now offering clothing
that can be worn in church.

 Amidst ever-growing conversations about arguably the greatest college football player ever and whether or not said player has any potential professionally, the NFL has decided to take advantage of the situation financially while he's still in uniform.
On NFLShop.com you can purchase a Denver Broncos jersey bearing the name "JESUS" in place of the name "TEBOW".  The league is not at all buying into the rhetoric, however, when an opportunity as lucrative as such is presented to them --with help from an over-used sports cliche-- they can only stay sidelined so long.

"Honestly, we thought we were gonna stop [printing] his number completely."  NFL vice president of apparel, Charles Banger admits, "I mean [his] jersey sales had dropped like me without my Viagra."  The VP was referring to the preseason numbers which did fall due to Tebow's sparse playing time.

"We were all takin' bets as to which network he'd be workin' for this time next year."  Long time NFL factory worker, Denard Naggers explains, "Now, I'll be sewin' these stupid things for the next few years."  Mr. Naggers wasn't sure if that was constituted as blasphemy, so he did quickly apologize to both Tebow, and Jesus.  In that order.     

BOB KNIGHT NOT IMPRESSED WITH COACH K'S ACCOMPLISHMENT



Bob Knight wrestles with the idea
of choking out one of his former
  players (again) in front of the media. 

 Mike Krzyzewski breaks the all-time wins record for Men's Division I basketball against the Michigan State Spartans, but not all of the 19,979 in attendance at Madison Square Garden were captivated by the victory.  Bob Knight, whose record Krzyzewski surpassed, was the only member of the 3-man broadcast crew that consistently pointed out the coach's downfalls.
"Coach K has always relied on his relentless, dynamic, and talented assistants," Knight began as he color-commentated, "more so than John Wooden or myself ever did."
Jay Bilas, who sat next to Knight and played under Krzyzewski, was quick to come to his former coach's defense saying, "Very true, coach.  But I'm pretty sure he or his assistant's never had to rely on choking players to get their attention."  Bilas of course was referring to the incident at Indiana University that eventually lead to Knight's demise.

Knight couldn't help but play arm-chair referee, as he enthusiastically applauded the officials every time a call went against the Blue Devils.  Some say it was the only time Bob Knight has ever commended any type of officiating at any level.

Coach Knight did eventually congratulate Coach K, albeit the backhanded variety.  When the two finally exchanged a handshake at the press table, witnesses heard the mentor say, "... 'bout time, kid.  I got most of my wins in a football conference.  You've been in the ACC how long?"

According to Pat Knight, Bob's son, that's the "best pat on the back one can receive from that stubborn has been."   

MANAGER SKIPS SON'S WEDDING; IMPORTANT EXHIBITION GAME TO COACH



Fabio Capello is seen saying "good-bye"
 to a few family members in attendance.

England coach Fabio Capello missed his youngest son's wedding this weekend to coach what he called a "much more important friendly" between a country he doesn't even reside in (England) and a another that he wishes he was from (Spain).  All seemed to be completely understood by immediate and extended relatives though, as it is well known that Capello doesn't exactly care for his recently acquired daughter-in-law. 
Adding what seemed to be insult to insult, England won the meaningless match 1-0, in what afterwards the coach called "the greatest day" of his life and would rather be "no where else at this moment."  He was in tears as he exited the pitch victoriously, mentioning not a word of son Pierfilippo's special day back home.
However, when finally reached for comment, the newly wed son took the high road in saying, "I'm fine with it, really.  When you have a dad that's this unsuccessful at what he does for a living, the last thing you wanna do is make him feel worse."

PATERNO WANTS TO BE FORCED OUT ON HIS OWN TERMS



A confused Joe Paterno cheers
 at what he believes to be a late
night pep rally on his lawn. 

 Joe Paterno has decided to step down, due mostly in part with the board of trustees forcing the 84 year old's overdue retirement...  and only partly because he can't see or hear anybody.  Penn State officials wouldn't comment directly to this matter saying only that they "feel saddened" that the man whose 46 year head coaching tenure "will only be remembered just for trying to cover up a couple acts of child rape."
Recent allegations of sexual molestation involving former defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky have shocked this campus all week, even though nobody seemed to bat an eye 11 years ago when a former janitor said he witnessed, basically the exact same incident.  The question now has turned to whether or not the hall of fame coach did enough once hearing of this matter 2 years ago.

Many feel the answer would be "no" considering the average person has to "tell him things 2 or 3 times before he actually retains it" and even then it "lasts only a few minutes, at best."

Even after his retirement announcement at the end of the season, the debate has now begun on if Joe should be able to coach this weekend against the visiting Cornhusker's.  A source close to the team couldn't say much, but did say, "Who gives a shit?  When was the last fuckin' time JoePa actually coached a game?"       

INJURED MANNING BEGS TO BE EXCLUDED FROM WATCHING ANYMORE COLTS GAMES



Peyton Manning can hardly stand the
taste of Gatorade while sidelined, but
understands his endorsement obligations.



It comes as no surprise to anyone, but without Peyton Manning this year, the Indianapolis Colts are borderline unwatchable.  What may come as a surprise, is that Peyton himself doesn't even think its borderline.

"Nerve damage is one thing, but I may need Lasik [surgery] after havin' watched some of this shit!"  Manning's stern position toward this situation couldn't go unnoticed while at the team's practice facility.  Which is why some closest to this matter feel management will conjure up some "personal affairs" excuse that the franchise quarterback will undoubtedly have to attend to. 

According to sources, Peyton Manning had first requested that the organization get NFL Sunday Ticket in the owner's box, as a resolution to the All-Pro's viewing dilemma.  But with attendance down due to abysmal back-up quarterback play and a defensive line that couldn't stop shoplifting, the Colt's front office felt it best to just excuse Peyton rather than spend money on the somewhat expensive Directv package.

In an unrelated story, Peyton Manning will become the first inactive player to receive a substantial amount of MVP votes. 

BREWERS WANTED TO CELEBRATE DIVISION TITLE WITH BUD LIGHT

The Milwaukee Brewers last night clinched their first NL Central title since, well, forever.  But they were somewhat discouraged upon hearing that their requests for something other than Miller-owned alcoholic beverages went unfulfilled.

The Brewers somberly stand outside

the dugout, reluctant to enter their

 improperly beer-stocked locker room.

"It's not like we were asking for better champagne."  Batboy Joshua Hinkel,  waiting outside of Miller Park for his ride remembers.  "Most of us just thought that ownership trying to pawn off it's unsold MGD 64's was not exactly splurging!"  The majority in the clubhouse echoed this sentiment, as many players were seen reaching into their lockers for a low-cal version of the king of beers.Some fans now worry that the Brew Crew will collapse in the NLDS over this lingering resentment towards management with this now, very public beverage meltdown.  

Others feel that even if the whole team was on steroids or piss-drunk, it wouldn't matter once they'd have to face the Phillies dominant pitching staff.  "We don't have a snowball's chance in hell," Brookfield resident, William Taller laments, "that is unless they made the series into one of those beer-drinking softball leagues.  But even then we'd probably still get swept."       

  





NBA CANCELS TRAINING CAMP, REMINDING PUBLIC JUST HOW USELESS IT IS DURING FOOTBALL



David Stern waits out
 questions, knowing
  he has yet to set his
 fantasy football lineup
  for the weekend.

While trying to capture some of the sports spotlight, the NBA announced this week that they have decided to suspend training camp as well as most of the league's preseason games. 
This comes straight out of left field for those who completely forgot that professional basketball was even dealing with a lockout.  Football fans everywhere struggle with the idea of this being newsworthy however, pointing to the lack of interest with the NBA season until weeks after the Super Bowl.
 "It's not even Week 3 of the NFL," annoying Giants fan, Rickie Tugler begins, "what the fuck makes David Stern think I give a shit about missed exhibition games?"
Indeed, most thought it was pointless reporting on the possibility of several superstars playing overseas, but this, they simply describe as a waste of 140-character journalism.  In fact, many would argue that the only reason they know there's basketball on on Christmas day, is because they know there's no football.
So when January rolls around, and TNT realizes how good their Thursday night ratings for Law & Order: SVU re-runs have been, maybe then they'll wonder why they even paid for the rights to 50-some regular season games in the first place.  Let alone, wasted time and space with labor negotiation updates on the network's website.  Just let people know if the 3 month long playoffs will start on time.    



WITHOUT TIGER WOODS, GOLF CHANNEL QUESTIONS EXISTANCE

In a shocking turn of events, the most controversial decision from golf --since it started to allow participants other than white males-- was announced today with great regret. 

"It saddens me to say, but with the inconsistency's of Tiger Woods's playing schedule, the PGA just doesn't see the purpose of having an entire network devoted to a sport that no one even knows is on unless Mr. Woods is playing."  Dugen Pheffer, a USGA executive, confessed this awkwardly tearful message at a press conference today.  

Even most of the governing officials
 couldn't say what number The Golf
Channel was on their cable providers.

None of this should come as a surprise to anyone, though.  Ratings for tournaments not including Tiger, only wish they could have even PBS after hours numbers.  Which would explain why over half of the days programming is infomercials, and now, rarely ever golf related. 

The Golf Channel did try and hang on as long as they could with reality based shot-challenging shows, but in the end, those too weren't even enough to barely keep the contestants attention.

The truly heart breaking news has to be for the many on the amateur circuit.  When Mr. Dugen was asked what he thought this meant for the Nationwide Tour, he paused his, what could only be described as fake choking up and replied, "The fuck is the Nationwide Tour?"            

SURPRISING AS IT SOUNDS, $200 MILLION WILL BUY SUCCESS

The Yankees clinch their 12th division title in 16 years last night, but some fans aren't too pleased with the excessive champagne showering after what they refer to as a "fuckin' whoop-tee-doo!" 


Teammates oblige, as Alex Rodriguez
tells them to put it right in his mouth.


It's been no secret to the rest of MLB fans for, oh say, the last 20-something years.  They expect the Yankees to be in the World Series every year, maybe even more so than their own obnoxious fans.  It's understandable for them to be upset over all this, but what may come as a shocker to some is that now there's a good handful of even the most die-hard NY fans that are fed up.  As one life-longer put it, " these party's for absolutely no accomplishment are absurd, and demeaning!"
A couple of clubhouse members for the team think that the organization itself isn't that impressed with the AL East title, pointing to the mildly chilled Korbel that was being thrown around the room without any idea of it's $22/bottle retail value (the labels had been scratched off just prior to the final out of the ninth inning).

A Yankees intern was actually seen being chewed out by a senior front office official.  No one around was sure about the meaning of the incident, although a few have speculated that it probably was pertaining to the amount that was "still blown on this bullshit celebration."       

RED SOX EXPRESS LACK OF INTEREST IN POST-SEASON

With only a few games left in baseball's regular season, the Boston Red Sox have announced today that they have no desire to play October baseball.  A pitiful home series with the Baltimore Orioles is what most fans are pointing to, but the truth is, most of the team just wants to concentrate on their fantasy football leagues.  As one team member put it, "Most of us have either Tom Brady or Aaron Rodgers as starting QB, and that's just too important to fuck up this early in the fantasy season."


Dustin Pedroia wonders if there's anyway
he can make a trade for Calvin Johnson.

Most in Beantown are completely sympathetic, knowing the kind of stats both men have already started to rack up.  The Red Sox are no different than most average sports fans, in that once the NFL season kicks off, the already suffering attention span of baseball viewing increases tenfold.

"We're just like everybody else," an anonymous bullpen journeyman explains, "this time of year nobody gives a shit about watching the game, so why should we give a shit about playin' the game."

In related news, with the Tampa Bay Rays struggling to gain ground in the AL East, it appears that the Red Sox will have to play well into Autumn.  Apparently they have Tom Brady on their fantasy teams as well.  

CHINESE TEAM OFFERS KOBE CONTRACT JUST TO WEAR JERSEY

 

Last week the Chinese Basketball Association made a rule banning NBA players who were still under contract from playing in their professional league, but that's not stopping some from getting around it.  According to one lucrative, yet desperate team, it would be worth the price of admission just to see Kobe Bryant in pregame shoot-arounds, followed only by him riding the bench for all four quarters.

Kobe Bryant speechless when told
of the population increase since his
last visit during '08 Summer Olympics.

"This is great thing!"  The basketball team Shanxi Zhongyu's American translator, Xao Phing joyously details.  "Ev-rybody be taking photo of Mr. Bryant on side-rine.  Nobody notice anymore how bad our team pray!"  Mr. Phing took his cocktail and joined the rest of the front office in what appeared to be a Finals-like champagne celebration.Shanxi's party may be a little premature, however.  Kobe has yet to agree to the proposed deal.  Some sources close to Bryant feel that it's only a matter of time till he accepts. 

"The hardest part for Kobe will be havin' to sit and watch shitty basketball for two hours."  Jason Mussmen,  Lakers' representative, and friend explains that the change won't be that difficult if he decides to make the time zone leap.  Adding that the MVP's comfort level shouldn't be affected, saying, "He [Kobe] lives in Los Angeles.  He's used to having a lot of Asians take his picture."   

   

DEMENTIA-PLAGUED DAVIS TAKES PRYOR IN SUPPLEMENTAL DRAFT



Obviously unaware of his
surroundings, Davis wonders
why his soup is taking so long. 

The Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis is never shy when he speaks.  It's just usally a series of concepts that wind up costing the 82-year old head man millions of dollars, and his latest investment is sure to follow suit. 
On Monday, Terrelle Pryor was acquired in the 3rd round of the NFL's Supplemental Draft.  A decision that is guaranteed to backfire no sooner after Davis over-pays for the man responsible for getting Jim Tressel fired from Ohio Stat-- oops, "The" Ohio State University. 
With most in the media being unable to make out what the Silver & Black's owner was saying, few, including me, chose not to quote him.  However, it did appear that he was giggling (and drooling) about the notion that he wasn't going to have to pay him even close to the $32 million he paid JaMarcus Russell.  Instincts and history tells us that it'll probably be somewhere around half that.   

NEW TIGER WOODS VIDEO GAME HIGHLIGHTS RECENT STRUGGLES

Video game giant EA (Electronic Arts), has announced that they are currently in the works on the newest installment of their highly successful golfing empire.  That's right.  Without having reached 2012 yet, the Florida-based gaming company has already broken ground on Tiger Woods 2013.  Seems that Tiger and EA are in agreement that his superior skills on the game just aren't accurate anymore.


Tiger Woods watches how far
 left a simulated drive now goes.



"Used to be guaranteed that Tiger'd be on every leader board."  Game designer, Ross Ovarian claims in between glutenous gulps of Yoo-Hoo.  "Now, you gotta cross your fingers jus' to see if he'll make a fuckin' cut!" 

All involved felt it was in best to revamp.

First, you will be unable to use video game Tiger Woods more than once a month, due in part to the real Tiger Woods' inconsistent scheduling.  Second, when you do use the former #1, you may notice a rather large number of bad shots no matter the adjustments.  With that, you'll find a more detailed portrayal of Tiger as he takes virtual frustrations out on his 2-Iron.  And third, the putting has become all but impossible, mimicking a more authentic past 24 months for the ex-TMZ celeb.

No one is more pleased with the head start than the one time Buick poster boy.  More importantly, Woods doesn't mince words when he clarifies the long overdue retooling.

"Who am I kidding?  I probably should've done this before we released last years game."  When asked if this experience has humbled him, Tiger promptly points out, "I had to give my ex-[wife] a quarter of a billion dollars last year.  That was pretty fuckin' humbling."

         









FOLLOWING MULTIPLY SHOOTINGS, NFL WORRIED FANS TAKING PRESEASON TOO SERIOUSLY

Don't worry NFL, the 4 month lockout that took place during the off-season hasn't deterred some fans interest from the yawn-filled exhibition games.  The Raiders and 49ers played to an uneventful 17-3 final.  After the meaningless game between the bay area rivals however, two people found themselves getting shot in the parking lot.  Initially, league officials were puzzled by the reaction to games that don't matter, but eventually boasted at the notion of football that doesn't count is still better than baseball that does.


With the area secure, authorities discuss
the absurdity of paying $9 for a Coors Lt.

"Whatever it was over, I can't imagine that argument leading to gunfire," NFL security spokesman, Bradley Spuge explains, "but I also can't believe someone would pay full ticket price to see a glorified three hour scimmage, either."  Before leaving, Mr. Spuge added, "I guess even in this city, fans would rather risk getting shot than go watch the team that won the World Series play."
It was only a few months ago that the NFL was negotiating the possibility of dropping two of its miserably flawed preseason games.  A notion that seems unthinkable now after the target practice that took place in San Francisco.
"What the fuck were we thinkin'?"  Roger Goodell's assistant, Sheila Fondlen asks.  "Maybe next year we can see if the players union would agree to adding a couple more of these things."  Ms. Fondlen sees no harm in the proposition, further stating, "Think about it.  Players that are gonna be cut anyway could get significant more playing time."No one knows for sure what the NFL can do to lose its popularity.  Many feel that if near-death experiences can't do it, then ratings for the most lucrative sport in the nation aren't going anywhere.  That is until some team hires the first female coach. 


   

NASCAR HOPEFUL MALE CATFIGHT LEADS TO BETTER RATINGS

The NASCAR Nationwide series found itself in Montreal this weekend, but the obvious question of 'Do French-Canadians even give a shit about stock car racing?' never wound up being a topic of conversation.  No, in fact it was a post-race incident between Steve Wallace and crew chief Jerry Baxter that has NASCAR officials pondering a way to cash in. 
In a move that put one back-of-the-pack driver even further in a hole, Wallace went three wide in an attempt to pass Patrick Carpentier.  Needless to say the move didn't pay off, and Carpentier finished his day similarly to how the Dow finished it's week.

After a 4th place finish, young Wallace was coasting down pit row when Baxter, Carpentier's crew chief, reached in the #66 car's cockpit and grabbed a fistful of sweaty blond hair.  In a scene that seemed to be straight out of a Don King promoted fight weigh-in, the two grown men were caught on camera doing what most enjoy watching two women do naked. 

Punishment wasn't swift to be handed out though.  In fact, the opposite is taking place.

"We need to find a way to have this sorta thing happen after every race."  Nationwide series spokesman, Chuck Floggens requests.  "I mean, we just had Rusty Wallace's son get his hair pulled.  I only wish it would've escalated to spitting on one another."

Suggestions of WWE-like pre-race incidents have been made, but the choice of ad libbed or scripted altercations have not yet been decided.  One thing is certain.  Danica Patrick joins the Nationwide circuit full-time next year, which has many sponsors licking their chops.

"Normally we wouldn't be caught dead having our name affiliated with such events," CEO of Bigelow Tea, Chester Kensington remarks, "but now, we can't wait for the opportunity.  Think about it.  Not everybody wants to see her [Danica Patrick] naked, some just wanna see her get her ass kicked!"  

DELONTE WEST'S HOME DEPOT APPLICATION ILLEGIBLE

Recently the Boston Celtics shooting guard Delonte West, took matters of the NBA lockout into his own hands when he applied for a job at Home Depot.  One problem:  The second stringer's hopeful future employer couldn't make out his hand writing.

"Don't get me wrong, I wasn't expecting him to have great penmanship," floor manager Tony Wodsful explains, "but I also didn't expect HR (human resources) to have to read every other word to me, either."



West chose Home Depot only after first
choice Modell's asked him to leave.

Red flags should have gone up with management once they saw his attached resume was hand written.  Not to mention, the only work history that was noted happened to be his playing days in both high school and college.  In fact, the only thing the home improvement supply chain could be certain of, is that no one other than Mr. West could've compiled that information."No doubt in my mind he filled it out himself."  Head of customer service, Nancy Flawn said while going over returned merchandise.  "He treated it like a test, too.  Yeah, even asked if he got points for his name like the SAT's."  Her reassurance to me was convincing once it was guaranteed that she hadn't been "shittin'".  Also, if special credit would have been given, because Delonte chose to use his signature, Home Depot wasn't ready to assume that the spelling was correct.

What's most saddening about this situation is that the Celtic's two-guard, according to store General Manager Harvey Keters, probably isn't even qualified to greet people at Wal-mart.  Mr. Keters went out by saying "Come on, there's so many more people deserving of a minimum wage position." 

VICK HOPED HE WOULD'VE WOUND UP ON MORE SUCCESSFUL PLAYOFF TEAM

Only a few years removed from killing animals, Michael Vick said in an interview with GQ magazine that he would've rather had his own pick of what team he was going to play for last season.  Not being at all pleased with his MVP-like season --or the simple fact of a second chance-- the convicted dog murderer confessed that he felt discouraged with the NFL's team placement.


Michael Vick warms up, wishing he
could be his own throwing partner.

"I honestly didn't wanna play in Philly."  The former Madden video game cover boy recalls.  "I kinda felt like I deserved to play where I wanted to play."  Without a touch of sarcasm, the one time CEO of Bad Newz Kennelz also spoke pompously about the gratitude the city of brotherly love should have shown him during his second sophomore season.

"I wasn't thankful that I played for them [the Eagles], if anything, they shoulda thanked me for what I did for them."  I guess the Philadelphia fans should be so grateful to have had that first round exit out of the playoffs last year.  Vick probably just forgot to say "you're welcome".

Having not insulted any of his teammates by name, the soon-to-be preseason outcast could no longer resist the temptation.  So as if his less-than-useless image could afford to take another hit, he summed up with the gentleman's magazine by claiming, "We'da been a better team if I didn't have to be our best [running] back, too."  

GEORGETOWN GIVES POLITICIANS SOMEONE TO BLAME FOR CHINA FALLOUT

The US State Department did a collective shitting of the pants today when hearing about the brawl that the Georgetown University men's basketball team got into with a professional team from China.  Attempts to beg the US Embassy to kiss as much ass as possible fell short when the first dozen phone calls were unable to get through to the Ambassador's office.  

Come on guys.  You're mad
at our government, not us.

"With so much financial unrest around the globe right now," State Department spokesman Jacob Smiggens starts, "the last thing we need to be doin' is pissin' the Chinese off."  Mr. Smiggens also pointed to a sub-par day in the markets.  "The Dow closed over 400 down today.  We don't need this shit."

Many in the government also feel that tensions could get worse if China is made aware of the proximity to the Georgetown campus and Capital Hill.  Others feel that the US is in the clear no matter what, pointing to the tremendous ass beating the Hoya's took.
"I think we should be okay."  Spokeswoman for Homeland Security, Geena Swallows says.  "Any video I've seen, our boys were gettin' the shit beat out of 'em." 
Some have even suggested that the basketball team was rather diplomatic.  They could be right.  Who knows what kind of boost this melee can give to the self-esteem of an entire nation. 
Even still, some in Washington are trying to stay on the Red's good side, playing politics in midst of the incident.  Congressman Billy Tom Buford from Mississippi seeks the Chinese governments forgiveness stating, "It's not jus' you guys.  Black people act like that here, too."
 
 

ADMINISTRATION AT "THE U" NOT SURPRISED WITH RECENT ALLEGATIONS, WONDERS WHY PUBLIC IS

The University of Miami athletic department is no stranger to surrounding themselves with criminal behaviour.  So for the life of them, they can't understand why a story about an ex-booster giving all sorts of improper benefits to some current but mostly former players, has any legs in the news at all.
"Our track record speaks for itself."  Spokeswoman for the AD, Anita Biggums begins, "You guys are actin' like this is something new.  Need I remind you all about this program in '80s?"  Indeed the 'canes have had more run-ins with the law than retired NBA players, and any renaissance period they felt they went through was either short-lived or a collective figment of imaginations all together.  But fans and alumni are rather critical as to why the lack of hardware during this period of infractions.

Please come to Miami.
Oh God, yes, yes, yes!

"God, if you're gonna cheat, make it worth your while," 1990 graduate Marcos Reamen vents.  "At least when I went to school, we were winning.  Now, I guess we reward mediocrity with prostitutes."

This sentiment is echoed all over the Coral Gables campus, but what has most in the Sunshine State scratching their heads over, is the fact that some of this money went to help recruit for an unrecognized basketball program.  

"Who gives a shit about basketball!?"  Ft. Lauderdale resident and life-long Hurricanes supporter Gary Pickling shouts.  "We play in the ACC.  For football it's great, everybody else sucks.  But we have to play those same teams for basketball, too."  Indeed, the Miami conference schedule for basketball is brutal, which is probably what prompted Mr. Pickling to end with, "Maybe if the recruiters woulda waited on gettin' them the whores til after the season, then they mighta seen they weren't deserving of anything, let alone the ass."  



TIGER UNSURE WHY FANS STILL FEEL HIS RELEVANCE



Woods ignores fans, wishing they
 would just go follow the 'micks'.



It's beginning to sound like a broken record; Tiger falls way behind at a tournament, spends the next day trying to make up ground just to dig himself a deeper hole, continues to attract more people to his already inflated gallery, just to witness a possible missed cut.  Except now, Woods' is starting to ask what the hell for.

"Beats the hell outta me," Tiger responds to an inquiry about his much-noticed course appeal.  "These people would rather watch me play like shit, then go see Steve Stricker shoot fourteen strokes better than me?  How the hell am I not 'sposed to have a massive ego?"

Tiger finished his opening round with a dreadful 77 (+7), a complete opposite of the 63 (-7) that Stricker totalled.  None of this comes as a shock to Woods however, who according to him, is the only one who can't understand why.  "I actually feel bad for my caddy out there, but at least he's getting paid to watch me suck.  I don't know what's wrong with these other people."The real losers in all of this is CBS.  They shell out quite a bit for the rights to air weekend coverage of the years final major, and they do so under the assumption that Tiger's presence won't be jeopardized.  Either by himself, or a steroid-induced injury.

"Look, we don't know why people watch him," Charlie Diklipz, spokesperson for CBS Sports laments, "all we know is, is that people could give a shit about watchin' anyone else."

The 14-time major winner is well aware of all this, saying, "If I win they follow, if I lose they follow more.  Maybe I jus' have to start intentionally aiming at these idiots."   

SIMPSON FEELS PRISON BOREDOM IS UNCONSTITUTIONAL

The Lovelock Correctional Center in northern Nevada, turns out not to be the entertainment-filled medium security prison OJ Simpson assumed he was entitled to.  Apparently the former NFL star isn't pleased with his living arrangements and is also upset that they're aren't more things to do.
"There's nothin' to do in here," a subtly quiet OJ says.  "I mean how times is a human supposed to play spades, or get fucked in the ass by white supremacists?"  Mr. Simpson continued by expressing his displeasure with the absence of video games.  "Would it kill them to put a golf simulator in here.  C'mon man, you know I'm missin' the lynx."
After spending nearly 3 years in the facility, one can only question why a somewhat educated Simpson still doesn't grasp the very concept of a prison.  Correctional officers spent the better part of 2 years attempting to help the juice with more understanding of this matter.


Man, I'd kill (again)
for just a back-nine.



"Aw yeah, we would tell'm all sorts a shit," Donny Chafens, a 14-year veteran guard started explaining while annoying me with the use of his Dentyne.  "We would say things like, 'Prison's like a marriage; ya not 'sposed to enjoy it, ya jus' 'sposed to suh-vive it.'  Or, 'What the fuck is wrong with you, re-tahd.  Urine prison asshole (spelled it like he said it).  We ain't runnin' no fuckin' day camp here!'  But nothin' seemed to work, ya know." 

With his days of galloping down sidelines and fornicating with promiscuous white women a distant memory, it still puzzles people that he would constantly pull that card.  "The first person to ever rush for 2,000yds in a season deserves better than this, I mean I got more white women than most white guys did."  The crouched over Heisman winner sums up staring at his cell wall.  "It's like I'm bein' treated as if I killed two people and robbed another at gunpoint." 



TORONTO CITES ABISSMAL RECORD AGAINST ALLEGATIONS OF SIGN STEALING

Over the years, the Toronto Blue Jay's have been accused of being many things:  Yankee whipping boys, AL east's minor league team (along with Baltimore), an unworthy franchise (again, along with Baltimore), and quite simply just an overall punchline for most Canadians.  At least the ones that count, anyway.  And yes, I'm excluding the French.  But never has the lone major league team north of the border been accused of cheating.


Bautista (above), sometimes
wonders why everybody
doesn't just get the pitches

 told to them beforehand.

According to opposing bullpen pitchers who spend most of their time looking in the stands for "good-lookin' tail", they have recently alleged the organization of placing spies in the outfield bleachers to inform their batters about upcoming pitches.  The 4th place team isn't taking the accusations cordially, either. 
"Have you seen our record?!"  Team spokesman, Danny Kumping aggressively tells a locker room full of reporters.  "Have you even seen us play?  I mean really, whose stealing signs for us, Ray Charles?"  Before anyone had a chance to inform him of the musicians cardiac status, he blurted out, "This is ridiculous, we've got Jose Bautista and buncha guys I couldn't even tell you the names of."  Mr. Kumping also pointed to the ease in which someone could be spotted in a desolate, fan-less section.  "We're not exactly packin' 'em in here guys.  Hell, we're barely payin' our bills.  I mean Christ, we're like the Dodgers of the American league!"  He quickly got back off that tangent before unintentionally opening up a line of undesirable questions.  "My point is, is that it wouldn't take someone with 20/20 to spot somethin' strange going on up there."

Having to host Oakland one more time before the weekend, it's not going to take someone with 20/20 to spot anything going on up there.     



WOMEN'S SOCCER UNWATCHABLE AFTER WORLD CUP

In the weeks following the extraordinary run the U.S. women's team had in Germany this Summer, they've been showered with unconditional love, greeted with confetti, and celebrated as if they had won the title.  All was well.  Then they returned to their club teams here in the states.  Needless to say, middle school track meets draw more of a crowd. 
"I don't get it," forward Abby Wambach tries explaining, "everybody I know couldn't take their eyes off of us just a few weeks ago.  Now?  Now my parents don't even give a shit about my games."  To be fair, when Wambach speaks of the American public not being able to "take their eyes off" them, she is of course referring to goalie Hope Solo.
Most people in professional soccer don't know what will happen with the girls league, mainly because most people watching professional soccer don't care that there is a girls league.  Case and point, the WNBA.


Team owners would, and have bet their mortgage's
hoping that seats like these will soon fill up.



Torn between not being able to use the fields during school hours and not bringing in enough money to supply electricity for night games, the soon-to-be defunct soccer league will be missed by few, if any.  Some look towards the lack of fan promotions, while others clearly see it as just a lack of fans.

"We just couldn't leave well enough alone, could we?"  Commissioner Amber Papsmearly wasn't the least bit surprised, continuing, "This country has a hard enough time watchin' men play this sport.  What the fuck were we thinkin'?"

In reference to fan promotions eluded to earlier, some stadium officials have mentioned a possible calendar spread with members of the national team.  But was quickly shot down when unable to figure out what would be done with the other 10 months.

In related news, Hope(fully) Solo hints at a possible nude photo shoot.    









SCOTT REMINDS PUBLIC THAT CADDY DIDN'T WIN TOURNAMENT

Firestone Country Club had the golf world buzzing this weekend, especially if you happen to be 1 of the 7 people who still enjoy watching the sport without Tiger Woods.  Contrary to the lack of reporters surrounding Adam Scott's press conference on Sunday, he did actually win the WGC Bridgestone Championship.  But you wouldn't know that judging by the crowd surrounding Steve Williams, Woods' former looper, turned Scott's new bag man.  In a scene that was reminiscent of Karl Rove getting credit for the '04 presidential election, the 33-year veteran caddy didn't shy away from the makeshift press conference that seemed to have just formed seconds after he snagged memorabilia from the 18th flag stick.



Williams (right), tells Scott he's sorry
that nobody knows who he is.

"I don't wanna take all the credit guys," the 47-year old Aussie explains, "but who was the one that told him to use the 7 iron on that dog leg 14th?  I mean he woulda found the sand trap if I let him use the 8 iron he was reaching for."

The champion, Scott, wasn't taking the victory that well.  As he walked through the quiet, near empty clubhouse afterwards he heard murmurs of, "...look, that's the guy that Steve Williams caddied for..." and "...wonder if he could get me Tiger Woods' old caddy's autograph?"

Outside meanwhile, Williams never once mentioned Scott during his two minute Tiger tirade.  When asked how it felt to help a young fellow countryman succeed at such an event, Stevie responded, "And one more thing, that Cablasian can go fuck himself!"

RICE TO MOSS: "YOU'RE NO ME"

When the greatest receiver in NFL history accepted the popular 4-letter sports networks' analyst position earlier this week, no one was more targeted than the recently retired ex-Viking/Raider/Patriot/Viking(again)/Titan, Randy Moss.  Jerry Rice didn't mince words about the topic when he chimed in on a well-listened to radio show featuring two guys with the name Mike.  "Well I'll start by saying this.  He was no me!"  The oddly narcissistic Rice prefaced, "In fact, I'd go as far to say that he wasn't even as good as most of the wide-outs... and some of the white ones." After the two Caucasian co-hosts stopped laughing and realized the long-time 49er was serious, they were in disbelief.  Especially since they couldn't come up with more than 3 decent white WRs collectively."Jerry," little Mike began unconvinced of his sincerity, "you mean to tell me that the guy whose 2nd only to you in receiving touchdowns, is still not as good as a Ricky Proehl?"  As the Super Bowl MVP sat, contemplating his assessment of Moss' skills, he did eventually retract some of his criticism.  Of course, it was after some 9 seconds of radio silence, which surely angered management as he is no longer an on-air personality.

Rice stares at Moss as if he bid
after him on 'The Price Is Right'



When reached for comment about his commercial-length studio stint, the 11-time all-pro had only this to say, "Hey.  I gave it 100%, which is about 30% more than Randy ever gave."

UNMEDICATED LEBRON OPTIMISTIC ABOUT NBA SEASON

As the frequency of labor talks start to dwindle, not many around the Association have high hopes for a season, entire or partial.  The exception:  Lebron James.  Apparently the self-proclaimed chosen one has spent the first few months of the off-season with his head either in the South Beach sand, or somewhere close to his rectal cavity.  Unlike the ball in the last few minutes of a close 4th quarter, King James doesn't appear to share his optimism with other players.

"I don't know what everyone's worried about," the naively positive James begins, "season starts November 1st ya' know, and I plan on being there, no matter what happens."

It's the "no matter what happens" that has the basketball world confused, however.  With a handful of players flirting with the idea of getting some run in the overseas leagues, Lebron has somehow convinced himself that fans will not only flock to, but will legally be allowed entrance in arenas during a lockout to watch a 1-man shootaround.

"I really don't know what the big deal is," the 2-time MVP showing signs of agitation continues, "my image took a big hit last year, so all I'm tryin' a do is play ball, with or without my teammates."

It's statements like that that make it clear why James himself is not a player rep.  Nevertheless, some could mistake his ignorance for a shear passion for the game.  Of course, the majority feel that he's finally succumb to the powdery Miami lifestyle.  And the graduate of St. Vincent - St. Mary's high school certainly got on the defensive when it was speculated that he had.  "Are you kidding me!  Do I sound like I'm high?"  His attitude only got worse when someone suggested that he sounded uneducated.  "Ya' know what, I challenge any one a y'all to a game of 1-on-1.  Show you how smart I am."

Along with his abrupt departure, Lebron found himself answering one more question about the possibility of his playing in Europe next year.  "Would I consider it?  Nah man, I don't even know what country Europe's in."