SIMPSON FEELS PRISON BOREDOM IS UNCONSTITUTIONAL

The Lovelock Correctional Center in northern Nevada, turns out not to be the entertainment-filled medium security prison OJ Simpson assumed he was entitled to.  Apparently the former NFL star isn't pleased with his living arrangements and is also upset that they're aren't more things to do.
"There's nothin' to do in here," a subtly quiet OJ says.  "I mean how times is a human supposed to play spades, or get fucked in the ass by white supremacists?"  Mr. Simpson continued by expressing his displeasure with the absence of video games.  "Would it kill them to put a golf simulator in here.  C'mon man, you know I'm missin' the lynx."
After spending nearly 3 years in the facility, one can only question why a somewhat educated Simpson still doesn't grasp the very concept of a prison.  Correctional officers spent the better part of 2 years attempting to help the juice with more understanding of this matter.


Man, I'd kill (again)
for just a back-nine.



"Aw yeah, we would tell'm all sorts a shit," Donny Chafens, a 14-year veteran guard started explaining while annoying me with the use of his Dentyne.  "We would say things like, 'Prison's like a marriage; ya not 'sposed to enjoy it, ya jus' 'sposed to suh-vive it.'  Or, 'What the fuck is wrong with you, re-tahd.  Urine prison asshole (spelled it like he said it).  We ain't runnin' no fuckin' day camp here!'  But nothin' seemed to work, ya know." 

With his days of galloping down sidelines and fornicating with promiscuous white women a distant memory, it still puzzles people that he would constantly pull that card.  "The first person to ever rush for 2,000yds in a season deserves better than this, I mean I got more white women than most white guys did."  The crouched over Heisman winner sums up staring at his cell wall.  "It's like I'm bein' treated as if I killed two people and robbed another at gunpoint."