SOMEHOW LACKING FUNDS, THE LINGERIE FOOTBALL LEAGUE SUSPENDS 2012 SEASON

The US Lingerie Football League has announced it will be in hiatus for the 2012 season, citing that an "insufficient amount of investors" is the reason for the year-long forfeiture.  Seems hard to believe when you consider that it's not only football, it's football played basically by strip club employees.

Lindsay Tilts (front) of the Seattle Bangers,
still can't believe that guys would rather
watch other guys doing this same thing.

A spokesman for the LFL has said they will be looking to expand the league into Canada for the 2013 season.  Also, they're trying to garner enough interest to form lingerie fantasy league's.  Some critics feel however, that that idea will never become popular considering most guys would want to be alone during the Internet draft.
Coaches and players from every team though feel that the problem is strongly related to the marketing of their sport.  "We're hot, we're half naked, and we're hitting each other.  It's not that hard of a sell, even to homosexuals." 
This was the sentiment shared throughout every lace-willed locker room across the league.  I think one player from the Dallas Tassels summed it up best when she said, "If [commissioner] Holton Biggs spent as much time marketing our sport as he did masturbating to it, then we'd probably be doin' better than the WNBA."    

LAMAR ODOM DEFENDS HIS KARDASHIAN-LIKE MELTDOWN



Lamar Odom was given only
five minutes to leave the
American Airlines Center be-
fore security would be called.

Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban thought he was doing Lamar Odom a favor when he signed him to the reigning NBA champs franchise. 
Turns out the sixth man of the year winner Mr. Khloe Kardashian, didn't care too much for his new surroundings.  The team has asked him not to show up anymore, as he's been put on paid leave like a policeman whose being investigated for blatant wrong doing.
Despite having to deal with two close deaths in his life, Odom checked out long before the season began.
Sources close to the team have said that the 6'10" power forward would sleep during team meetings, spend morning shoot-around's in the bathroom, and would show up half drunk or hungover to team charity events.  This, on top of averaging less than 5 PPG.
A spokesman for the 2-time NBA champion said that his client had nothing to say except, "Whatever."  And adding only that Mr. Odom's wife never thought this city was a good fit for their somehow popular reality TV show.
Considering Lamar Odom has gotten pretty accustomed to the public freak show that are his in-laws, it's no wonder why he probably looked at Texas as small town living, notwithstanding the size of most of his neighbors. 

BLUE JAYS' HOME OPENER SO BORING FANS STAGE A FIGHT

Ontario, Canada probably wouldn't be considered by many to be a baseball mecca.  Now having said that, they're actually are still a few Canucks that truly enjoy watching our national pastime.  Except this season perhaps. 
During Toronto's home opener versus the Boston Red Sox, some fans were so discouraged with the monotonous inactivity that in the middle of just the 3rd inning they decided they'd liven up the day for their fellow spectators. 
This entailed inciting a faux brouhaha which quickly escalated in to something more than just spilled beer.  Which of course, would've been reason enough for the escalation, had it not been Labatt's.
You can view a portion of the morons below:

The fight lasted all but two minutes.  The amazing thing is, there wasn't one player --on either team--that exerted that much energy for the entire game. 
Obviously methamphetamine played a significant role in the adolescence's afternoon.

31 TEAMS SHARE SIGH OF RELIEF WHILE SAINTS TAKE ONE FOR THE TEAM

With the NFL expected to send down some harsh punishments for those involved in the so-called "bounty scandal", players from the other 31 teams sent out a collective "Thank you guys!" as well as a public, preemptive approval for whatever penalties the league decided to hand out.

Former Saints defensive coordinator Greg Williams is seen
apologizing to linebacker Jonathan Vilma for a promised
bounty payment he was apparently trying to renege on. 

Not one player rep from any of the other teams could explain why the Saints, and the Saints alone, were being targeted by the commissioner.  It should also be stated that we struggled to find any players who disapproved of the league's treatment of the Saints.
"I have no idea why they're pickin' on the Saints," an inebriated spokesman for the NFC South rival Falcons began, "and I don't give a shit why they're pickin' on the Saints, jus' so long as they're only pickin' on the Saints."
No one is disagreeing that the Saints are being singled-out, and to say the Saints are being unfairly treated is an understatement.  But in recent years, if there's any city that's used to getting completely fucked over by people in authoritative positions, its New Orleans.
  

MLB CONSIDERS RELEGATING ORIOLES AFTER COMMUNITY COLLEGE LOSS

Baltimore manager Buck Showalter may have considered the game nothing more than a "controlled scrimmage", but Bud Selig and other league officials are seriously contemplating a triple, and possibly even a double A relegation for the Camden Yards club.

Wieters was unsuccessful in breaking up a double play even
 though the Orioles were successful in embarrassing themselves.

In what technically was an exhibition game played just before opening day, the O's lost to something called the State College of Florida Manatees (or SCF, if you're that in tune with junior college baseball).  And although the game was not a blowout, it was however televised.  Albeit on Sarasota public access, there were actual witnesses to the 2-1 defeat outside of Ed Smith Stadium.
"I only came down here to get [Matt] Wieters' autograph," an unnamed loyal Manatees fan said while smiling, "but instead I couldn't stop laughing at him and his teammates!"
The commissioner surely doesn't want to deal with this black eye on the game, but as orioles fans will be quick to point out, their team has been nothing but a black eye on the league since before, and after Ripken retired.   

STOUDEMIRE DEFENDS SEXUALITY AMIDST ANNOUNCER'S ON-AIR GAFFE



Amar'e Stoudemire licks his chops in hopes
that he has another bulging disk to deal with.

In reference to a misstated "bulging dick" comment made by an MSG sportscaster, Amar'e Stoudemire spent most of the day answering questions about his sexual orientation. 
Instead of fielding questions related to a possible season-ending bulging disk in his back, the Knicks power forward found himself having to vehemently deny any homosexual tendencies he may or may not have.
"This is fuckin' absurd!" Stoudemire repeated in his new school Barry White-like voice, wondering why no one bothered to ask the sideline reporter why he made that remark.  Before walking away he added, "y'all actin' like I don't get more pussy than a toilet seat... nonsense."
Both nationally syndicated and New York beat writers alike then tried grilling team physicians as to any insight they had towards this regrettable matter.  But unfortunately no one from the team's medical staff knows yet exactly how severe the injury is saying only, "Well if I had a bulging dick in my back, all I would be focused on was that bulging dick in my back."   

BORING HIGH SCHOOL SOCCER GAME QUICKLY BECOMES MUST-SEE-TV

South Carolina is known for a number of things:  A state flag that's essentially Pakistan's with a palm tree, a deep appreciation for fried... whatever, and being last in adult literacy all come to mind. 
What may shock you though, is that girl's high school soccer seems to be one of the palmetto state's most beloved past-times.  Well, at least in Chester County its all the rage.
Spectators and on-lookers were treated to any afternoon cat fight once a simple misunderstanding became, well, a really BIG misunderstanding. 
What appeared to anyone with a pulse to be the innocent tangling of two players legs that resulted in one player losing her footing, apparently was seen as a malicious act of malicing malice from the one player who found herself on the ground.  After abruptly getting to her feet, she quickly rectified the situation by drudging up what must've been recollections of her own recent gang initiation. See below:     

DEATH ROW INMATE EXPRESSES TEAM LOYALTY DURING EXECUTION



In his waning moments, Jesse
Joe Hernandez's worries pertained
only to Hell's satellite TV coverage.

Minutes before Jesse Joe Hernandez took his last remaining breaths he felt compelled not to show any remorse for the brutal beating of a 10-month-old, but instead show, literally, his dieing support for his favorite football team.
"GO COWBOYS!" was shouted, followed by an almost inaudible, "...and God bless everybody."  
The order in which Mr. Hernandez's final statements were given aren't of much concern.  The conflicting enthusiasm of each one is however, somewhat troubling.  Although it would probably explain earlier questions from the prisoner regarding NFL viewing availability in the after-life.  As well as rhetorical inquiries as to whether or not purgatory would be spent watching continuous re-runs of all 3 Redskins' Super Bowl victories.
Oddly enough, Jesse Joe's sports reference didn't even garner up a simple dog-like curiosity head turn from anyone in attendance.  Sadly in fact, the only acknowledgement was a relative who put his hand over his heart, covering the lone star of his outdated Dallas Starter jacket.   

CANSECO FAILS AT DRUG SCREENING, AS WELL AS AT LIFE

The Mexican Baseball League has notified Jose Canseco of not only his stupidity, but also his immediate suspension.  The former big league slugger apparently admitted to using a banned form of testosterone moments before refusing to take a mandatory drug test. 

Jose Canseco was promised that he'd
be paid if an attempt to cry was shown.

If you're anything like me (and I hope for your sake that you're not) you're definitely wondering how, why, and again how the hell is this man still playing baseball.  But if you find yourself to be an official for the Triple-A farm league, we've been told, you were actually hoping for something like this to happen.
"At first we wanted him to play long enough so we could have a good blooper reel," spokesman for the Quintana Tigers Rafael Ruiz began, "but we coulda never dreamed of this shit!"
It seems about right when you think of it though.  Only Jose Canseco could manage to have his reputation ruined in Mexico.  And that was without even sending his brother to go piss for him.
Probably still would've failed though.  

70-YEAR-OLD QUALIFIES FOR OLYMPICS; PASSES OUT SECONDS LATER



Hoketsu appeared to be nodding off
while finishing out the end of his run.

70-year-old Japanese equestrian Hiroshi Hoketsu is in stable condition at his home just outside Tokyo. This after suffering a mild head injury caused when Mr. Hoketsu fell on his face immediately following Olympic qualification.  Oddly enough, the rider was neither rushed to a hospital nor tended to at all for that matter.  Close family, friends, and others around the sport just figured him dead. 
Now the question that remains is whether or not he'll be okay in time for the opening ceremony, or even alive. 
Some have actually speculated that the samurai on horseback is only doing this to get more added attention to sport that no one gives a shit about in most developed countries.  And what better way to make NBC exec's happy over the numbers, but a possible death on any one of their four channels of tape-delayed coverage. 
Hiroshi is not projected to do well at this summer's games, and because of that supporters are quick to remind everybody including myself that "...the man's 70-years-old for fuck's sake!"  But in Japanese it sounds so much nastier.     

WIZARDS TOP LAKERS; FINALLY EARN PAYCHECK

In case you missed it, the Washington Wizards truly deserve their game checks after overcoming a 21-point deficit against the LA Lakers.  Yeah, that's right.  The Lakers.  Not believing it themselves, this certainly came as a blessing for any remaining fans in and outside the beltway.

John Wall was of course referring
to the number of wins the Wizards
have had since the All-Star break.

"If I hadn't have seen this myself, there's no fuckin' way I woulda believed it..." was said by a man who was unable to be identified as he made his way to the restroom through me.  The Verizon Center's third sellout of the year saw thousands of smiles as the home team was able to give their crowd something it hasn't even been good at giving them against bad teams.  A win. 
Everyone was ecstatic, not just the little misbehaved children you catch on the jumbo tron from time to time.  CPA's and doctors alike were acting like they had just sat court side for game 7 of the finals.  Vendors pushed back 'last call' until they ran out, programs which cost $1 before the game were being scalped for $20 a pop afterward, and in some cases more to obviously stupid people.
"This is somethin' I'ma be able to give my grand kids," seemed to be shouted every time an individual would stagger away from the historic purchase.  Nevertheless, F Street will be partying like it's another Chinese New Year for days to come. 
Yes, players and fans are going to let this win sink in just a little more than average.  And who can blame them.  I wouldn't exactly be screaming for a return to a 9-29 reality where my team is 20+ games out of first place.  Instead, I too would want to savor this win.  This one win, out of a lockout-shortened 66-game season.  Enjoy it fellas.  Somehow, you've earned your outrageously absurd days pay.      

LEBRON JAMES' MOTHER MANAGES TO AVOID MUCH NEEDED JAIL TIME

Leaving court, Gloria James
wonders where the fuck her ride is

Lawyers for Gloria James have some how cut a deal with Dade County prosecutors that will keep the 44-year-old out of jail, for now.  The mother of Miami Heat star Lebron James was facing 90 days in a women's detention center and two years probation for public intoxication and battering a valet last April.  Instead, she received a sentence of community service and will be forced to donate $1000 to the Haiti Relief Fund, which, ironically is the same amount she spends on alcohol every week.
Miss James is no stranger to inebriated run-ins with law enforcement.  In 2006, she was arrested in Ohio for drunken driving after resisting a breathalyzer.  According to reports, police in Akron only classified it as resisting after she vomited on the contraption leaving it covered with an "ungodly odor".
The most recent incident had Lebron's mom slapping a hotel employee because the "inconsiderate bastard" had the nerve to take almost 2 minutes retrieving her car.  Unfortunately for Lebron, with the whole thing being caught on surveillance video, the public found out that his mom tips people in the service industry just as much as he does.  
            

FRIENDS WONDER HOW IVERSON'S ASSETS WEREN'T SEIZED SOONER



Upon judgment, a downtrodden Iverson
was asked if he could afford any deodorant.

 
Allen Iverson's assets (what little is left) have been seized by a judge in Georgia.  This stemming from the non-payment to a jeweler in the ball park of $860,000.  Leaving friends and family asking themselves one question, "What the hell took so long?"

The court's decision came as no surprise to anyone close to the former MVP, what did come out of left field they felt, was the timing of it all.

"That nigga's been borrowin' my car for like six months," long time friend Ja'Quell Jackson aggressively begins, "shoulda jus' axed me, I coulda told ya'll that nigga was broke!"  Mr. Jackson also rhetorically inquired whether or not Bernie Madoff was in charge over AI's finances, then, tried passing me a blunt that he must have not been enjoying considering his attitude.  I declined only until I concluded that he was not soliciting.

As for the man who was once nicknamed "The Answer", perhaps he should strongly consider asking people to call him "Questions". Seeing that that's all he'll have for his lawyers now.  

JUDGE DOESN'T LIKE CHILDREN; ALLOWS SANDUSKY VISITATION WITH GRANDKIDS

A judge in Pennsylvania has ruled that Jerry Sandusky can have "supervised contact" with most of his grandchildren, cementing the prosecution's theory that Judge John Cleland, unlike Sandusky, is not a fan of anybody under the age of twelve.  The state's attorney's requests for house arrest sustainment as well as forced sodomy were staunchly denied.

As Sandusky exits the courthouse, the judge's
decision literally leaves him licking his chops.

"The ruling is no doubt a setback," lead counsel for the Commonwealth, Richard Cravings announced to a crowd of reporters.  "We thought that any normal judge would have used their power to insure that a man under this suspicion would never be allowed to look at young children again, let alone interact with them."
Some in State College still feel the need to cover for a former administration, along with a now deceased Joe Paterno.  Outsiders on the other hand, wonder what the fuck is in the kool-aid around there.

Many still wonder why Jerry Sandusky can't have access to all of his grandchildren.  Speculation would leave one to believe that not all of Mr. Sandusky's kids are horrible parents.

LEBRON COWARDLY THREATENS WIZARDS FAN; LAUGHED AT BY TEAMMATES

We all know Lebron James has a few sore subjects in his life, the ones that he doesn't take too kindly to when mentioned.  From his fourth quarter absences in playoff games, to his blatant ignorance of fine dining behaviour and gratuity standards, to his most notable, as well as touchiest of topics, a short-lived relationship between his mother and former Cavs teammate Delonte West.  

Shortly after the skirmish,
Lebron casually pretends
that he settled the argument.



And during a recent game in Washington when that issue was brought up by a (obviously retarded) Wizards season ticket holder, a reaction was in full display in front of a (no bullshit,) sold-out Verizon Center. 

According to witnesses, Bob Moore, a heckler with apparently nothing better to do than sit court side of Washington home games, repeatedly requested details from Lebron about the affair.  Eventually, and abruptly, those requests stopped going unanswered.  And when they did, fans saw the best thing that they've seen at a Wizards game all year, or basically ever. 

Positioning himself behind other players, James lashed out toward a surprisingly crowded front row with fans recalling him shout, "I'd kick your ass if I knew I could get away with it."  Then, almost immediately backing down once an overly inebriated Moore showed no resistance saying, "Motherfucker let's go!  I'm at a fuckin' Washington Wizards game man, you think I give a fuck about my life?"  Lebron must've felt it was a rhetorical question, as there was no response while security lazily took control of the scene.

Walking back by his own bench, players (and coaches) were heard giggling like children muttering, "its a good thing you can let your game do the talkin' for you" and "see king, that's why we don't have a monarchy in this country!"

 

DRUNKEN BECKHAM THROWN OUT OF SONS' MATCH; CALLED REF 'RUBBISH'

One of the most famous athletes in the world probably wishes he was slapped with a drunk-in-public.  Instead, over Super Bowl weekend, David Beckham found himself getting a red card while at his 7-year old's soccer game.  After urinating inside the 18, he made his way to the center of the pitch, where, before throwing up on an opposing players cleats and shin guards, voiced his dissatisfaction with the governing official.

David Beckham leaves game under
protest, mistakenly takes wrong kid. 



"I have a hard time understanding drunk people to begin with," the timid, yet stern 17-year old second year ref explained, "then you add the fact that he's British.  I had no chance."

At first, spectators began asking themselves what a well dress, good looking homeless man is doing this far away from the beach or other prime tourist-y panhandling spots.  Even after being identified, some of the females in attendance still weren't convinced that it was the superstar heart throb, referring to their less-than-enthusiastic glimpse of manhood they got while the father of four was relieving himself.

Nevertheless, some parents saw the day as a story they'll be able to tell the rest of their lives.  Or even a chance to cash in.  Just ask the father of little Timmy Taylor, as he swore that his sons' vomit soaked uniform would be on ebay before they got home. 

Hopefully for their sake, before they got in the car.
   



PROSECUTORS END INVESTIGATION; ARMSTRONG NOT AS BIG OF A DICK AS BONDS



Federal prosecutors have announced that they are dropping their investigation of Lance Armstrong and the possibility of his involvement in a doping program.  

Feds still believe justice is blind.
So long as you're rich and famous.
And not black.

Citing many reasons for the decision, but stating that it basically came down to how much everyone liked the 7-time Tour de France winner.

"We thought about it long and hard," US Attorney Richard Stain began while in front of, what appeared to be an unopened California Federal Courthouse building during daytime hours.  "But we realized that no one in this office hates Lance as much as we ALL hated Barry."  Mr. Stain looked down, scratched his head to kill a few seconds, then surrendered his hands to his pockets.  He looked up, smiled, and proceeded to say what every tax payer in this country wished the government would've said during the asterisked-home run king's trial. 

"We jus' didn't wanna waste every body's fuckin' time, again."

Allegations of this conclusion being racially motivated were quickly confirmed by a spokesman for the US Attorney General's office saying, "Of course we did this because [Lance] Armstrong is white.  But mainly because he's not as much of an asshole as [Barry] Bonds." 

He added, "Well.  That, and we really hate the French, too."   
   

BERNIE FINE BRIBED PLAYERS WITH PLAYING TIME IN EXCHANGE FOR SEX WITH HIS WIFE



Laurie Fine arrives home, wondering
why her husband has brought
a few third-stringers to the house.

Disgraced former Syracuse assistant coach Bernie Fine responds to allegations that his wife Laurie, had sex with several former (and some current) basketball players.  During a phone interview, the aspiring NAMBLA candidate claims that he promised "valuable minutes" to freshmen in exchange for intercourse with his wife.

"Some kids woulda done anything to get on the court, even if it was against a Division II program."  Fine said of a number of underclassmen, who, coincidentally, weren't too particularly thrilled with being contacted about the incident(s).
"I felt bad a couple of times" was a statement made by Bernie, not for consciously recognizing the err of his ways, but rather referring to not upholding his end of the bargain when oral was not performed, nor specified. 

Mr. Fine had no remorse for his wife.  In fact, his sympathy was directed towards the players who were told that those dreadful nights spent with "an annoying NY Jew" would benefit them in the future.  When in actuality, he was letting his wife play with his kids so that he could play with someone else's.      

MICHAEL PHELPS PRETENDS HE BROKE UP WITH BEAUTY-QUEEN GIRLFRIEND



Returning from vacation,
Phelps trys to act like he's
not crying seconds after
Johnson breaks it off.



Olympic great Michael Phelps has somehow convinced himself that he has ended things with his longtime on and off girlfriend, and former Miss California Nicole Johnson.  Phelps apparently says he called off the courtship well before the new year and denies any rumors saying that he spent the holiday alone, sobbing in a hotel bathroom. 

Neither could be reached for comment about the abrupt split, but sources close to the couple believe Nicole probably just "came to her senses" and finally "realized she was dating Michael Phelps."  No one can say for sure but leading up to break-up, according to friends, the retired pageant contestant had been heard saying things like "he'd be just as ugly without all of the medals" and "it's a shame his endurance doesn't translate to the bedroom."

The 14-time gold medal winner is presumably trying to down play the situation, and his emotions, by frequenting hometown strip clubs and being seen with some of Baltimore's most expensive escorts.  And yes, believe it or not, the city has a couple of them.