PROSECUTORS END INVESTIGATION; ARMSTRONG NOT AS BIG OF A DICK AS BONDS



Federal prosecutors have announced that they are dropping their investigation of Lance Armstrong and the possibility of his involvement in a doping program.  

Feds still believe justice is blind.
So long as you're rich and famous.
And not black.

Citing many reasons for the decision, but stating that it basically came down to how much everyone liked the 7-time Tour de France winner.

"We thought about it long and hard," US Attorney Richard Stain began while in front of, what appeared to be an unopened California Federal Courthouse building during daytime hours.  "But we realized that no one in this office hates Lance as much as we ALL hated Barry."  Mr. Stain looked down, scratched his head to kill a few seconds, then surrendered his hands to his pockets.  He looked up, smiled, and proceeded to say what every tax payer in this country wished the government would've said during the asterisked-home run king's trial. 

"We jus' didn't wanna waste every body's fuckin' time, again."

Allegations of this conclusion being racially motivated were quickly confirmed by a spokesman for the US Attorney General's office saying, "Of course we did this because [Lance] Armstrong is white.  But mainly because he's not as much of an asshole as [Barry] Bonds." 

He added, "Well.  That, and we really hate the French, too."