Monday, August 22, 2011

CHINESE TEAM OFFERS KOBE CONTRACT JUST TO WEAR JERSEY

 
Last week the Chinese Basketball Association made a rule banning NBA players who were still under contract from playing in their professional league, but that's not stopping some from getting around it.  According to one lucrative, yet desperate team, it would be worth the price of admission just to see Kobe Bryant in pregame shoot-arounds, followed only by him riding the bench for all four quarters.
Kobe Bryant speechless when told
of the population increase since his
last visit during '08 Summer Olympics.
"This is great thing!"  The basketball team Shanxi Zhongyu's American translator, Xao Phing joyously details.  "Ev-rybody be taking photo of Mr. Bryant on side-rine.  Nobody notice anymore how bad our team pray!"  Mr. Phing took his cocktail and joined the rest of the front office in what appeared to be a Finals-like champagne celebration.Shanxi's party may be a little premature, however.  Kobe has yet to agree to the proposed deal.  Some sources close to Bryant feel that it's only a matter of time till he accepts. 
"The hardest part for Kobe will be havin' to sit and watch shitty basketball for two hours."  Jason Mussmen,  Lakers' representative, and friend explains that the change won't be that difficult if he decides to make the time zone leap.  Adding that the MVP's comfort level shouldn't be affected, saying, "He [Kobe] lives in Los Angeles.  He's used to having a lot of Asians take his picture."   

   

DEMENTIA-PLAGUED DAVIS TAKES PRYOR IN SUPPLEMENTAL DRAFT


Obviously unaware of his
surroundings, Davis wonders
why his soup is taking so long. 
The Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis is never shy when he speaks.  It's just usally a series of concepts that wind up costing the 82-year old head man millions of dollars, and his latest investment is sure to follow suit. 
On Monday, Terrelle Pryor was acquired in the 3rd round of the NFL's Supplemental Draft.  A decision that is guaranteed to backfire no sooner after Davis over-pays for the man responsible for getting Jim Tressel fired from Ohio Stat-- oops, "The" Ohio State University. 
With most in the media being unable to make out what the Silver & Black's owner was saying, few, including me, chose not to quote him.  However, it did appear that he was giggling (and drooling) about the notion that he wasn't going to have to pay him even close to the $32 million he paid JaMarcus Russell.  Instincts and history tells us that it'll probably be somewhere around half that.   

Sunday, August 21, 2011

NEW TIGER WOODS VIDEO GAME HIGHLIGHTS RECENT STRUGGLES

Video game giant EA (Electronic Arts), has announced that they are currently in the works on the newest installment of their highly successful golfing empire.  That's right.  Without having reached 2012 yet, the Florida-based gaming company has already broken ground on Tiger Woods 2013.  Seems that Tiger and EA are in agreement that his superior skills on the game just aren't accurate anymore.

Tiger Woods watches how far
 left a simulated drive now goes.

"Used to be guaranteed that Tiger'd be on every leader board."  Game designer, Ross Ovarian claims in between glutenous gulps of Yoo-Hoo.  "Now, you gotta cross your fingers jus' to see if he'll make a fuckin' cut!" 
All involved felt it was in best to revamp.
First, you will be unable to use video game Tiger Woods more than once a month, due in part to the real Tiger Woods' inconsistent scheduling.  Second, when you do use the former #1, you may notice a rather large number of bad shots no matter the adjustments.  With that, you'll find a more detailed portrayal of Tiger as he takes virtual frustrations out on his 2-Iron.  And third, the putting has become all but impossible, mimicking a more authentic past 24 months for the ex-TMZ celeb.
No one is more pleased with the head start than the one time Buick poster boy.  More importantly, Woods doesn't mince words when he clarifies the long overdue retooling.
"Who am I kidding?  I probably should've done this before we released last years game."  When asked if this experience has humbled him, Tiger promptly points out, "I had to give my ex-[wife] a quarter of a billion dollars last year.  That was pretty fuckin' humbling."
         





FOLLOWING MULTIPLY SHOOTINGS, NFL WORRIED FANS TAKING PRESEASON TOO SERIOUSLY

Don't worry NFL, the 4 month lockout that took place during the off-season hasn't deterred some fans interest from the yawn-filled exhibition games.  The Raiders and 49ers played to an uneventful 17-3 final.  After the meaningless game between the bay area rivals however, two people found themselves getting shot in the parking lot.  Initially, league officials were puzzled by the reaction to games that don't matter, but eventually boasted at the notion of football that doesn't count is still better than baseball that does.

With the area secure, authorities discuss
the absurdity of paying $9 for a Coors Lt.

"Whatever it was over, I can't imagine that argument leading to gunfire," NFL security spokesman, Bradley Spuge explains, "but I also can't believe someone would pay full ticket price to see a glorified three hour scimmage, either."  Before leaving, Mr. Spuge added, "I guess even in this city, fans would rather risk getting shot than go watch the team that won the World Series play."
It was only a few months ago that the NFL was negotiating the possibility of dropping two of its miserably flawed preseason games.  A notion that seems unthinkable now after the target practice that took place in San Francisco.
"What the fuck were we thinkin'?"  Roger Goodell's assistant, Sheila Fondlen asks.  "Maybe next year we can see if the players union would agree to adding a couple more of these things."  Ms. Fondlen sees no harm in the proposition, further stating, "Think about it.  Players that are gonna be cut anyway could get significant more playing time."No one knows for sure what the NFL can do to lose its popularity.  Many feel that if near-death experiences can't do it, then ratings for the most lucrative sport in the nation aren't going anywhere.  That is until some team hires the first female coach. 


   

NASCAR HOPEFUL MALE CATFIGHT LEADS TO BETTER RATINGS

The NASCAR Nationwide series found itself in Montreal this weekend, but the obvious question of 'Do French-Canadians even give a shit about stock car racing?' never wound up being a topic of conversation.  No, in fact it was a post-race incident between Steve Wallace and crew chief Jerry Baxter that has NASCAR officials pondering a way to cash in. 
In a move that put one back-of-the-pack driver even further in a hole, Wallace went three wide in an attempt to pass Patrick Carpentier.  Needless to say the move didn't pay off, and Carpentier finished his day similarly to how the Dow finished it's week.
After a 4th place finish, young Wallace was coasting down pit row when Baxter, Carpentier's crew chief, reached in the #66 car's cockpit and grabbed a fistful of sweaty blond hair.  In a scene that seemed to be straight out of a Don King promoted fight weigh-in, the two grown men were caught on camera doing what most enjoy watching two women do naked. 
Punishment wasn't swift to be handed out though.  In fact, the opposite is taking place.
"We need to find a way to have this sorta thing happen after every race."  Nationwide series spokesman, Chuck Floggens requests.  "I mean, we just had Rusty Wallace's son get his hair pulled.  I only wish it would've escalated to spitting on one another."
Suggestions of WWE-like pre-race incidents have been made, but the choice of ad libbed or scripted altercations have not yet been decided.  One thing is certain.  Danica Patrick joins the Nationwide circuit full-time next year, which has many sponsors licking their chops.
"Normally we wouldn't be caught dead having our name affiliated with such events," CEO of Bigelow Tea, Chester Kensington remarks, "but now, we can't wait for the opportunity.  Think about it.  Not everybody wants to see her [Danica Patrick] naked, some just wanna see her get her ass kicked!"  


Friday, August 19, 2011

DELONTE WEST'S HOME DEPOT APPLICATION ILLEGIBLE

Recently the Boston Celtics shooting guard Delonte West, took matters of the NBA lockout into his own hands when he applied for a job at Home Depot.  One problem:  The second stringer's hopeful future employer couldn't make out his hand writing.
"Don't get me wrong, I wasn't expecting him to have great penmanship," floor manager Tony Wodsful explains, "but I also didn't expect HR (human resources) to have to read every other word to me, either."

West chose Home Depot only after first
choice Modell's asked him to leave.
Red flags should have gone up with management once they saw his attached resume was hand written.  Not to mention, the only work history that was noted happened to be his playing days in both high school and college.  In fact, the only thing the home improvement supply chain could be certain of, is that no one other than Mr. West could've compiled that information."No doubt in my mind he filled it out himself."  Head of customer service, Nancy Flawn said while going over returned merchandise.  "He treated it like a test, too.  Yeah, even asked if he got points for his name like the SAT's."  Her reassurance to me was convincing once it was guaranteed that she hadn't been "shittin'".  Also, if special credit would have been given, because Delonte chose to use his signature, Home Depot wasn't ready to assume that the spelling was correct.
What's most saddening about this situation is that the Celtic's two-guard, according to store General Manager Harvey Keters, probably isn't even qualified to greet people at Wal-mart.  Mr. Keters went out by saying "Come on, there's so many more people deserving of a minimum wage position." 

Thursday, August 18, 2011

VICK HOPED HE WOULD'VE WOUND UP ON MORE SUCCESSFUL PLAYOFF TEAM

Only a few years removed from killing animals, Michael Vick said in an interview with GQ magazine that he would've rather had his own pick of what team he was going to play for last season.  Not being at all pleased with his MVP-like season --or the simple fact of a second chance-- the convicted dog murderer confessed that he felt discouraged with the NFL's team placement.

Michael Vick warms up, wishing he
could be his own throwing partner.
"I honestly didn't wanna play in Philly."  The former Madden video game cover boy recalls.  "I kinda felt like I deserved to play where I wanted to play."  Without a touch of sarcasm, the one time CEO of Bad Newz Kennelz also spoke pompously about the gratitude the city of brotherly love should have shown him during his second sophomore season.
"I wasn't thankful that I played for them [the Eagles], if anything, they shoulda thanked me for what I did for them."  I guess the Philadelphia fans should be so grateful to have had that first round exit out of the playoffs last year.  Vick probably just forgot to say "you're welcome".
Having not insulted any of his teammates by name, the soon-to-be preseason outcast could no longer resist the temptation.  So as if his less-than-useless image could afford to take another hit, he summed up with the gentleman's magazine by claiming, "We'da been a better team if I didn't have to be our best [running] back, too."  

GEORGETOWN GIVES POLITICIANS SOMEONE TO BLAME FOR CHINA FALLOUT

The US State Department did a collective shitting of the pants today when hearing about the brawl that the Georgetown University men's basketball team got into with a professional team from China.  Attempts to beg the US Embassy to kiss as much ass as possible fell short when the first dozen phone calls were unable to get through to the Ambassador's office.  
Come on guys.  You're mad
at our government, not us.

"With so much financial unrest around the globe right now," State Department spokesman Jacob Smiggens starts, "the last thing we need to be doin' is pissin' the Chinese off."  Mr. Smiggens also pointed to a sub-par day in the markets.  "The Dow closed over 400 down today.  We don't need this shit."
Many in the government also feel that tensions could get worse if China is made aware of the proximity to the Georgetown campus and Capital Hill.  Others feel that the US is in the clear no matter what, pointing to the tremendous ass beating the Hoya's took.
"I think we should be okay."  Spokeswoman for Homeland Security, Geena Swallows says.  "Any video I've seen, our boys were gettin' the shit beat out of 'em." 
Some have even suggested that the basketball team was rather diplomatic.  They could be right.  Who knows what kind of boost this melee can give to the self-esteem of an entire nation. 
Even still, some in Washington are trying to stay on the Red's good side, playing politics in midst of the incident.  Congressman Billy Tom Buford from Mississippi seeks the Chinese governments forgiveness stating, "It's not jus' you guys.  Black people act like that here, too."
 
 

ADMINISTRATION AT "THE U" NOT SURPRISED WITH RECENT ALLEGATIONS, WONDERS WHY PUBLIC IS

The University of Miami athletic department is no stranger to surrounding themselves with criminal behaviour.  So for the life of them, they can't understand why a story about an ex-booster giving all sorts of improper benefits to some current but mostly former players, has any legs in the news at all.
"Our track record speaks for itself."  Spokeswoman for the AD, Anita Biggums begins, "You guys are actin' like this is something new.  Need I remind you all about this program in '80s?"  Indeed the 'canes have had more run-ins with the law than retired NBA players, and any renaissance period they felt they went through was either short-lived or a collective figment of imaginations all together.  But fans and alumni are rather critical as to why the lack of hardware during this period of infractions.
Please come to Miami.
Oh God, yes, yes, yes!
"God, if you're gonna cheat, make it worth your while," 1990 graduate Marcos Reamen vents.  "At least when I went to school, we were winning.  Now, I guess we reward mediocrity with prostitutes."
This sentiment is echoed all over the Coral Gables campus, but what has most in the Sunshine State scratching their heads over, is the fact that some of this money went to help recruit for an unrecognized basketball program.  
"Who gives a shit about basketball!?"  Ft. Lauderdale resident and life-long Hurricanes supporter Gary Pickling shouts.  "We play in the ACC.  For football it's great, everybody else sucks.  But we have to play those same teams for basketball, too."  Indeed, the Miami conference schedule for basketball is brutal, which is probably what prompted Mr. Pickling to end with, "Maybe if the recruiters woulda waited on gettin' them the whores til after the season, then they mighta seen they weren't deserving of anything, let alone the ass."  


Thursday, August 11, 2011

TIGER UNSURE WHY FANS STILL FEEL HIS RELEVANCE


Woods ignores fans, wishing they
 would just go follow the 'micks'.

It's beginning to sound like a broken record; Tiger falls way behind at a tournament, spends the next day trying to make up ground just to dig himself a deeper hole, continues to attract more people to his already inflated gallery, just to witness a possible missed cut.  Except now, Woods' is starting to ask what the hell for.
"Beats the hell outta me," Tiger responds to an inquiry about his much-noticed course appeal.  "These people would rather watch me play like shit, then go see Steve Stricker shoot fourteen strokes better than me?  How the hell am I not 'sposed to have a massive ego?"
Tiger finished his opening round with a dreadful 77 (+7), a complete opposite of the 63 (-7) that Stricker totalled.  None of this comes as a shock to Woods however, who according to him, is the only one who can't understand why.  "I actually feel bad for my caddy out there, but at least he's getting paid to watch me suck.  I don't know what's wrong with these other people."The real losers in all of this is CBS.  They shell out quite a bit for the rights to air weekend coverage of the years final major, and they do so under the assumption that Tiger's presence won't be jeopardized.  Either by himself, or a steroid-induced injury.
"Look, we don't know why people watch him," Charlie Diklipz, spokesperson for CBS Sports laments, "all we know is, is that people could give a shit about watchin' anyone else."
The 14-time major winner is well aware of all this, saying, "If I win they follow, if I lose they follow more.  Maybe I jus' have to start intentionally aiming at these idiots."   

SIMPSON FEELS PRISON BOREDOM IS UNCONSTITUTIONAL

The Lovelock Correctional Center in northern Nevada, turns out not to be the entertainment-filled medium security prison OJ Simpson assumed he was entitled to.  Apparently the former NFL star isn't pleased with his living arrangements and is also upset that they're aren't more things to do.
"There's nothin' to do in here," a subtly quiet OJ says.  "I mean how times is a human supposed to play spades, or get fucked in the ass by white supremacists?"  Mr. Simpson continued by expressing his displeasure with the absence of video games.  "Would it kill them to put a golf simulator in here.  C'mon man, you know I'm missin' the lynx."
After spending nearly 3 years in the facility, one can only question why a somewhat educated Simpson still doesn't grasp the very concept of a prison.  Correctional officers spent the better part of 2 years attempting to help the juice with more understanding of this matter.

Man, I'd kill (again)
for just a back-nine.

"Aw yeah, we would tell'm all sorts a shit," Donny Chafens, a 14-year veteran guard started explaining while annoying me with the use of his Dentyne.  "We would say things like, 'Prison's like a marriage; ya not 'sposed to enjoy it, ya jus' 'sposed to suh-vive it.'  Or, 'What the fuck is wrong with you, re-tahd.  Urine prison asshole (spelled it like he said it).  We ain't runnin' no fuckin' day camp here!'  But nothin' seemed to work, ya know." 
With his days of galloping down sidelines and fornicating with promiscuous white women a distant memory, it still puzzles people that he would constantly pull that card.  "The first person to ever rush for 2,000yds in a season deserves better than this, I mean I got more white women than most white guys did."  The crouched over Heisman winner sums up staring at his cell wall.  "It's like I'm bein' treated as if I killed two people and robbed another at gunpoint." 




TORONTO CITES ABISSMAL RECORD AGAINST ALLEGATIONS OF SIGN STEALING

Over the years, the Toronto Blue Jay's have been accused of being many things:  Yankee whipping boys, AL east's minor league team (along with Baltimore), an unworthy franchise (again, along with Baltimore), and quite simply just an overall punchline for most Canadians.  At least the ones that count, anyway.  And yes, I'm excluding the French.  But never has the lone major league team north of the border been accused of cheating.

Bautista (above), sometimes
wonders why everybody
doesn't just get the pitches
 told to them beforehand.
According to opposing bullpen pitchers who spend most of their time looking in the stands for "good-lookin' tail", they have recently alleged the organization of placing spies in the outfield bleachers to inform their batters about upcoming pitches.  The 4th place team isn't taking the accusations cordially, either. 
"Have you seen our record?!"  Team spokesman, Danny Kumping aggressively tells a locker room full of reporters.  "Have you even seen us play?  I mean really, whose stealing signs for us, Ray Charles?"  Before anyone had a chance to inform him of the musicians cardiac status, he blurted out, "This is ridiculous, we've got Jose Bautista and buncha guys I couldn't even tell you the names of."  Mr. Kumping also pointed to the ease in which someone could be spotted in a desolate, fan-less section.  "We're not exactly packin' 'em in here guys.  Hell, we're barely payin' our bills.  I mean Christ, we're like the Dodgers of the American league!"  He quickly got back off that tangent before unintentionally opening up a line of undesirable questions.  "My point is, is that it wouldn't take someone with 20/20 to spot somethin' strange going on up there."
Having to host Oakland one more time before the weekend, it's not going to take someone with 20/20 to spot anything going on up there.     


Wednesday, August 10, 2011

WOMEN'S SOCCER UNWATCHABLE AFTER WORLD CUP

In the weeks following the extraordinary run the U.S. women's team had in Germany this Summer, they've been showered with unconditional love, greeted with confetti, and celebrated as if they had won the title.  All was well.  Then they returned to their club teams here in the states.  Needless to say, middle school track meets draw more of a crowd. 
"I don't get it," forward Abby Wambach tries explaining, "everybody I know couldn't take their eyes off of us just a few weeks ago.  Now?  Now my parents don't even give a shit about my games."  To be fair, when Wambach speaks of the American public not being able to "take their eyes off" them, she is of course referring to goalie Hope Solo.
Most people in professional soccer don't know what will happen with the girls league, mainly because most people watching professional soccer don't care that there is a girls league.  Case and point, the WNBA.

Team owners would, and have bet their mortgage's
hoping that seats like these will soon fill up.

Torn between not being able to use the fields during school hours and not bringing in enough money to supply electricity for night games, the soon-to-be defunct soccer league will be missed by few, if any.  Some look towards the lack of fan promotions, while others clearly see it as just a lack of fans.
"We just couldn't leave well enough alone, could we?"  Commissioner Amber Papsmearly wasn't the least bit surprised, continuing, "This country has a hard enough time watchin' men play this sport.  What the fuck were we thinkin'?"
In reference to fan promotions eluded to earlier, some stadium officials have mentioned a possible calendar spread with members of the national team.  But was quickly shot down when unable to figure out what would be done with the other 10 months.
In related news, Hope(fully) Solo hints at a possible nude photo shoot.    





SCOTT REMINDS PUBLIC THAT CADDY DIDN'T WIN TOURNAMENT

Firestone Country Club had the golf world buzzing this weekend, especially if you happen to be 1 of the 7 people who still enjoy watching the sport without Tiger Woods.  Contrary to the lack of reporters surrounding Adam Scott's press conference on Sunday, he did actually win the WGC Bridgestone Championship.  But you wouldn't know that judging by the crowd surrounding Steve Williams, Woods' former looper, turned Scott's new bag man.  In a scene that was reminiscent of Karl Rove getting credit for the '04 presidential election, the 33-year veteran caddy didn't shy away from the makeshift press conference that seemed to have just formed seconds after he snagged memorabilia from the 18th flag stick.

Williams (right), tells Scott he's sorry
that nobody knows who he is.
"I don't wanna take all the credit guys," the 47-year old Aussie explains, "but who was the one that told him to use the 7 iron on that dog leg 14th?  I mean he woulda found the sand trap if I let him use the 8 iron he was reaching for."
The champion, Scott, wasn't taking the victory that well.  As he walked through the quiet, near empty clubhouse afterwards he heard murmurs of, "...look, that's the guy that Steve Williams caddied for..." and "...wonder if he could get me Tiger Woods' old caddy's autograph?"
Outside meanwhile, Williams never once mentioned Scott during his two minute Tiger tirade.  When asked how it felt to help a young fellow countryman succeed at such an event, Stevie responded, "And one more thing, that Cablasian can go fuck himself!"

RICE TO MOSS: "YOU'RE NO ME"

When the greatest receiver in NFL history accepted the popular 4-letter sports networks' analyst position earlier this week, no one was more targeted than the recently retired ex-Viking/Raider/Patriot/Viking(again)/Titan, Randy Moss.  Jerry Rice didn't mince words about the topic when he chimed in on a well-listened to radio show featuring two guys with the name Mike.  "Well I'll start by saying this.  He was no me!"  The oddly narcissistic Rice prefaced, "In fact, I'd go as far to say that he wasn't even as good as most of the wide-outs... and some of the white ones." After the two Caucasian co-hosts stopped laughing and realized the long-time 49er was serious, they were in disbelief.  Especially since they couldn't come up with more than 3 decent white WRs collectively."Jerry," little Mike began unconvinced of his sincerity, "you mean to tell me that the guy whose 2nd only to you in receiving touchdowns, is still not as good as a Ricky Proehl?"  As the Super Bowl MVP sat, contemplating his assessment of Moss' skills, he did eventually retract some of his criticism.  Of course, it was after some 9 seconds of radio silence, which surely angered management as he is no longer an on-air personality.
Rice stares at Moss as if he bid
after him on 'The Price Is Right'

When reached for comment about his commercial-length studio stint, the 11-time all-pro had only this to say, "Hey.  I gave it 100%, which is about 30% more than Randy ever gave."

UNMEDICATED LEBRON OPTIMISTIC ABOUT NBA SEASON

As the frequency of labor talks start to dwindle, not many around the Association have high hopes for a season, entire or partial.  The exception:  Lebron James.  Apparently the self-proclaimed chosen one has spent the first few months of the off-season with his head either in the South Beach sand, or somewhere close to his rectal cavity.  Unlike the ball in the last few minutes of a close 4th quarter, King James doesn't appear to share his optimism with other players.
"I don't know what everyone's worried about," the naively positive James begins, "season starts November 1st ya' know, and I plan on being there, no matter what happens."
It's the "no matter what happens" that has the basketball world confused, however.  With a handful of players flirting with the idea of getting some run in the overseas leagues, Lebron has somehow convinced himself that fans will not only flock to, but will legally be allowed entrance in arenas during a lockout to watch a 1-man shootaround.
"I really don't know what the big deal is," the 2-time MVP showing signs of agitation continues, "my image took a big hit last year, so all I'm tryin' a do is play ball, with or without my teammates."
It's statements like that that make it clear why James himself is not a player rep.  Nevertheless, some could mistake his ignorance for a shear passion for the game.  Of course, the majority feel that he's finally succumb to the powdery Miami lifestyle.  And the graduate of St. Vincent - St. Mary's high school certainly got on the defensive when it was speculated that he had.  "Are you kidding me!  Do I sound like I'm high?"  His attitude only got worse when someone suggested that he sounded uneducated.  "Ya' know what, I challenge any one a y'all to a game of 1-on-1.  Show you how smart I am."
Along with his abrupt departure, Lebron found himself answering one more question about the possibility of his playing in Europe next year.  "Would I consider it?  Nah man, I don't even know what country Europe's in."