FRIENDS WONDER HOW IVERSON'S ASSETS WEREN'T SEIZED SOONER



Upon judgment, a downtrodden Iverson
was asked if he could afford any deodorant.

 
Allen Iverson's assets (what little is left) have been seized by a judge in Georgia.  This stemming from the non-payment to a jeweler in the ball park of $860,000.  Leaving friends and family asking themselves one question, "What the hell took so long?"

The court's decision came as no surprise to anyone close to the former MVP, what did come out of left field they felt, was the timing of it all.

"That nigga's been borrowin' my car for like six months," long time friend Ja'Quell Jackson aggressively begins, "shoulda jus' axed me, I coulda told ya'll that nigga was broke!"  Mr. Jackson also rhetorically inquired whether or not Bernie Madoff was in charge over AI's finances, then, tried passing me a blunt that he must have not been enjoying considering his attitude.  I declined only until I concluded that he was not soliciting.

As for the man who was once nicknamed "The Answer", perhaps he should strongly consider asking people to call him "Questions". Seeing that that's all he'll have for his lawyers now.  

JUDGE DOESN'T LIKE CHILDREN; ALLOWS SANDUSKY VISITATION WITH GRANDKIDS

A judge in Pennsylvania has ruled that Jerry Sandusky can have "supervised contact" with most of his grandchildren, cementing the prosecution's theory that Judge John Cleland, unlike Sandusky, is not a fan of anybody under the age of twelve.  The state's attorney's requests for house arrest sustainment as well as forced sodomy were staunchly denied.

As Sandusky exits the courthouse, the judge's
decision literally leaves him licking his chops.

"The ruling is no doubt a setback," lead counsel for the Commonwealth, Richard Cravings announced to a crowd of reporters.  "We thought that any normal judge would have used their power to insure that a man under this suspicion would never be allowed to look at young children again, let alone interact with them."
Some in State College still feel the need to cover for a former administration, along with a now deceased Joe Paterno.  Outsiders on the other hand, wonder what the fuck is in the kool-aid around there.

Many still wonder why Jerry Sandusky can't have access to all of his grandchildren.  Speculation would leave one to believe that not all of Mr. Sandusky's kids are horrible parents.

LEBRON COWARDLY THREATENS WIZARDS FAN; LAUGHED AT BY TEAMMATES

We all know Lebron James has a few sore subjects in his life, the ones that he doesn't take too kindly to when mentioned.  From his fourth quarter absences in playoff games, to his blatant ignorance of fine dining behaviour and gratuity standards, to his most notable, as well as touchiest of topics, a short-lived relationship between his mother and former Cavs teammate Delonte West.  

Shortly after the skirmish,
Lebron casually pretends
that he settled the argument.



And during a recent game in Washington when that issue was brought up by a (obviously retarded) Wizards season ticket holder, a reaction was in full display in front of a (no bullshit,) sold-out Verizon Center. 

According to witnesses, Bob Moore, a heckler with apparently nothing better to do than sit court side of Washington home games, repeatedly requested details from Lebron about the affair.  Eventually, and abruptly, those requests stopped going unanswered.  And when they did, fans saw the best thing that they've seen at a Wizards game all year, or basically ever. 

Positioning himself behind other players, James lashed out toward a surprisingly crowded front row with fans recalling him shout, "I'd kick your ass if I knew I could get away with it."  Then, almost immediately backing down once an overly inebriated Moore showed no resistance saying, "Motherfucker let's go!  I'm at a fuckin' Washington Wizards game man, you think I give a fuck about my life?"  Lebron must've felt it was a rhetorical question, as there was no response while security lazily took control of the scene.

Walking back by his own bench, players (and coaches) were heard giggling like children muttering, "its a good thing you can let your game do the talkin' for you" and "see king, that's why we don't have a monarchy in this country!"

 

DRUNKEN BECKHAM THROWN OUT OF SONS' MATCH; CALLED REF 'RUBBISH'

One of the most famous athletes in the world probably wishes he was slapped with a drunk-in-public.  Instead, over Super Bowl weekend, David Beckham found himself getting a red card while at his 7-year old's soccer game.  After urinating inside the 18, he made his way to the center of the pitch, where, before throwing up on an opposing players cleats and shin guards, voiced his dissatisfaction with the governing official.

David Beckham leaves game under
protest, mistakenly takes wrong kid. 



"I have a hard time understanding drunk people to begin with," the timid, yet stern 17-year old second year ref explained, "then you add the fact that he's British.  I had no chance."

At first, spectators began asking themselves what a well dress, good looking homeless man is doing this far away from the beach or other prime tourist-y panhandling spots.  Even after being identified, some of the females in attendance still weren't convinced that it was the superstar heart throb, referring to their less-than-enthusiastic glimpse of manhood they got while the father of four was relieving himself.

Nevertheless, some parents saw the day as a story they'll be able to tell the rest of their lives.  Or even a chance to cash in.  Just ask the father of little Timmy Taylor, as he swore that his sons' vomit soaked uniform would be on ebay before they got home. 

Hopefully for their sake, before they got in the car.
   



PROSECUTORS END INVESTIGATION; ARMSTRONG NOT AS BIG OF A DICK AS BONDS



Federal prosecutors have announced that they are dropping their investigation of Lance Armstrong and the possibility of his involvement in a doping program.  

Feds still believe justice is blind.
So long as you're rich and famous.
And not black.

Citing many reasons for the decision, but stating that it basically came down to how much everyone liked the 7-time Tour de France winner.

"We thought about it long and hard," US Attorney Richard Stain began while in front of, what appeared to be an unopened California Federal Courthouse building during daytime hours.  "But we realized that no one in this office hates Lance as much as we ALL hated Barry."  Mr. Stain looked down, scratched his head to kill a few seconds, then surrendered his hands to his pockets.  He looked up, smiled, and proceeded to say what every tax payer in this country wished the government would've said during the asterisked-home run king's trial. 

"We jus' didn't wanna waste every body's fuckin' time, again."

Allegations of this conclusion being racially motivated were quickly confirmed by a spokesman for the US Attorney General's office saying, "Of course we did this because [Lance] Armstrong is white.  But mainly because he's not as much of an asshole as [Barry] Bonds." 

He added, "Well.  That, and we really hate the French, too."   
   

BERNIE FINE BRIBED PLAYERS WITH PLAYING TIME IN EXCHANGE FOR SEX WITH HIS WIFE



Laurie Fine arrives home, wondering
why her husband has brought
a few third-stringers to the house.

Disgraced former Syracuse assistant coach Bernie Fine responds to allegations that his wife Laurie, had sex with several former (and some current) basketball players.  During a phone interview, the aspiring NAMBLA candidate claims that he promised "valuable minutes" to freshmen in exchange for intercourse with his wife.

"Some kids woulda done anything to get on the court, even if it was against a Division II program."  Fine said of a number of underclassmen, who, coincidentally, weren't too particularly thrilled with being contacted about the incident(s).
"I felt bad a couple of times" was a statement made by Bernie, not for consciously recognizing the err of his ways, but rather referring to not upholding his end of the bargain when oral was not performed, nor specified. 

Mr. Fine had no remorse for his wife.  In fact, his sympathy was directed towards the players who were told that those dreadful nights spent with "an annoying NY Jew" would benefit them in the future.  When in actuality, he was letting his wife play with his kids so that he could play with someone else's.