CHINESE TEAM OFFERS KOBE CONTRACT JUST TO WEAR JERSEY

 

Last week the Chinese Basketball Association made a rule banning NBA players who were still under contract from playing in their professional league, but that's not stopping some from getting around it.  According to one lucrative, yet desperate team, it would be worth the price of admission just to see Kobe Bryant in pregame shoot-arounds, followed only by him riding the bench for all four quarters.

Kobe Bryant speechless when told
of the population increase since his
last visit during '08 Summer Olympics.

"This is great thing!"  The basketball team Shanxi Zhongyu's American translator, Xao Phing joyously details.  "Ev-rybody be taking photo of Mr. Bryant on side-rine.  Nobody notice anymore how bad our team pray!"  Mr. Phing took his cocktail and joined the rest of the front office in what appeared to be a Finals-like champagne celebration.Shanxi's party may be a little premature, however.  Kobe has yet to agree to the proposed deal.  Some sources close to Bryant feel that it's only a matter of time till he accepts. 

"The hardest part for Kobe will be havin' to sit and watch shitty basketball for two hours."  Jason Mussmen,  Lakers' representative, and friend explains that the change won't be that difficult if he decides to make the time zone leap.  Adding that the MVP's comfort level shouldn't be affected, saying, "He [Kobe] lives in Los Angeles.  He's used to having a lot of Asians take his picture."   

   

DEMENTIA-PLAGUED DAVIS TAKES PRYOR IN SUPPLEMENTAL DRAFT



Obviously unaware of his
surroundings, Davis wonders
why his soup is taking so long. 

The Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis is never shy when he speaks.  It's just usally a series of concepts that wind up costing the 82-year old head man millions of dollars, and his latest investment is sure to follow suit. 
On Monday, Terrelle Pryor was acquired in the 3rd round of the NFL's Supplemental Draft.  A decision that is guaranteed to backfire no sooner after Davis over-pays for the man responsible for getting Jim Tressel fired from Ohio Stat-- oops, "The" Ohio State University. 
With most in the media being unable to make out what the Silver & Black's owner was saying, few, including me, chose not to quote him.  However, it did appear that he was giggling (and drooling) about the notion that he wasn't going to have to pay him even close to the $32 million he paid JaMarcus Russell.  Instincts and history tells us that it'll probably be somewhere around half that.   

NEW TIGER WOODS VIDEO GAME HIGHLIGHTS RECENT STRUGGLES

Video game giant EA (Electronic Arts), has announced that they are currently in the works on the newest installment of their highly successful golfing empire.  That's right.  Without having reached 2012 yet, the Florida-based gaming company has already broken ground on Tiger Woods 2013.  Seems that Tiger and EA are in agreement that his superior skills on the game just aren't accurate anymore.


Tiger Woods watches how far
 left a simulated drive now goes.



"Used to be guaranteed that Tiger'd be on every leader board."  Game designer, Ross Ovarian claims in between glutenous gulps of Yoo-Hoo.  "Now, you gotta cross your fingers jus' to see if he'll make a fuckin' cut!" 

All involved felt it was in best to revamp.

First, you will be unable to use video game Tiger Woods more than once a month, due in part to the real Tiger Woods' inconsistent scheduling.  Second, when you do use the former #1, you may notice a rather large number of bad shots no matter the adjustments.  With that, you'll find a more detailed portrayal of Tiger as he takes virtual frustrations out on his 2-Iron.  And third, the putting has become all but impossible, mimicking a more authentic past 24 months for the ex-TMZ celeb.

No one is more pleased with the head start than the one time Buick poster boy.  More importantly, Woods doesn't mince words when he clarifies the long overdue retooling.

"Who am I kidding?  I probably should've done this before we released last years game."  When asked if this experience has humbled him, Tiger promptly points out, "I had to give my ex-[wife] a quarter of a billion dollars last year.  That was pretty fuckin' humbling."

         









FOLLOWING MULTIPLY SHOOTINGS, NFL WORRIED FANS TAKING PRESEASON TOO SERIOUSLY

Don't worry NFL, the 4 month lockout that took place during the off-season hasn't deterred some fans interest from the yawn-filled exhibition games.  The Raiders and 49ers played to an uneventful 17-3 final.  After the meaningless game between the bay area rivals however, two people found themselves getting shot in the parking lot.  Initially, league officials were puzzled by the reaction to games that don't matter, but eventually boasted at the notion of football that doesn't count is still better than baseball that does.


With the area secure, authorities discuss
the absurdity of paying $9 for a Coors Lt.

"Whatever it was over, I can't imagine that argument leading to gunfire," NFL security spokesman, Bradley Spuge explains, "but I also can't believe someone would pay full ticket price to see a glorified three hour scimmage, either."  Before leaving, Mr. Spuge added, "I guess even in this city, fans would rather risk getting shot than go watch the team that won the World Series play."
It was only a few months ago that the NFL was negotiating the possibility of dropping two of its miserably flawed preseason games.  A notion that seems unthinkable now after the target practice that took place in San Francisco.
"What the fuck were we thinkin'?"  Roger Goodell's assistant, Sheila Fondlen asks.  "Maybe next year we can see if the players union would agree to adding a couple more of these things."  Ms. Fondlen sees no harm in the proposition, further stating, "Think about it.  Players that are gonna be cut anyway could get significant more playing time."No one knows for sure what the NFL can do to lose its popularity.  Many feel that if near-death experiences can't do it, then ratings for the most lucrative sport in the nation aren't going anywhere.  That is until some team hires the first female coach. 


   

NASCAR HOPEFUL MALE CATFIGHT LEADS TO BETTER RATINGS

The NASCAR Nationwide series found itself in Montreal this weekend, but the obvious question of 'Do French-Canadians even give a shit about stock car racing?' never wound up being a topic of conversation.  No, in fact it was a post-race incident between Steve Wallace and crew chief Jerry Baxter that has NASCAR officials pondering a way to cash in. 
In a move that put one back-of-the-pack driver even further in a hole, Wallace went three wide in an attempt to pass Patrick Carpentier.  Needless to say the move didn't pay off, and Carpentier finished his day similarly to how the Dow finished it's week.

After a 4th place finish, young Wallace was coasting down pit row when Baxter, Carpentier's crew chief, reached in the #66 car's cockpit and grabbed a fistful of sweaty blond hair.  In a scene that seemed to be straight out of a Don King promoted fight weigh-in, the two grown men were caught on camera doing what most enjoy watching two women do naked. 

Punishment wasn't swift to be handed out though.  In fact, the opposite is taking place.

"We need to find a way to have this sorta thing happen after every race."  Nationwide series spokesman, Chuck Floggens requests.  "I mean, we just had Rusty Wallace's son get his hair pulled.  I only wish it would've escalated to spitting on one another."

Suggestions of WWE-like pre-race incidents have been made, but the choice of ad libbed or scripted altercations have not yet been decided.  One thing is certain.  Danica Patrick joins the Nationwide circuit full-time next year, which has many sponsors licking their chops.

"Normally we wouldn't be caught dead having our name affiliated with such events," CEO of Bigelow Tea, Chester Kensington remarks, "but now, we can't wait for the opportunity.  Think about it.  Not everybody wants to see her [Danica Patrick] naked, some just wanna see her get her ass kicked!"  

DELONTE WEST'S HOME DEPOT APPLICATION ILLEGIBLE

Recently the Boston Celtics shooting guard Delonte West, took matters of the NBA lockout into his own hands when he applied for a job at Home Depot.  One problem:  The second stringer's hopeful future employer couldn't make out his hand writing.

"Don't get me wrong, I wasn't expecting him to have great penmanship," floor manager Tony Wodsful explains, "but I also didn't expect HR (human resources) to have to read every other word to me, either."



West chose Home Depot only after first
choice Modell's asked him to leave.

Red flags should have gone up with management once they saw his attached resume was hand written.  Not to mention, the only work history that was noted happened to be his playing days in both high school and college.  In fact, the only thing the home improvement supply chain could be certain of, is that no one other than Mr. West could've compiled that information."No doubt in my mind he filled it out himself."  Head of customer service, Nancy Flawn said while going over returned merchandise.  "He treated it like a test, too.  Yeah, even asked if he got points for his name like the SAT's."  Her reassurance to me was convincing once it was guaranteed that she hadn't been "shittin'".  Also, if special credit would have been given, because Delonte chose to use his signature, Home Depot wasn't ready to assume that the spelling was correct.

What's most saddening about this situation is that the Celtic's two-guard, according to store General Manager Harvey Keters, probably isn't even qualified to greet people at Wal-mart.  Mr. Keters went out by saying "Come on, there's so many more people deserving of a minimum wage position." 

VICK HOPED HE WOULD'VE WOUND UP ON MORE SUCCESSFUL PLAYOFF TEAM

Only a few years removed from killing animals, Michael Vick said in an interview with GQ magazine that he would've rather had his own pick of what team he was going to play for last season.  Not being at all pleased with his MVP-like season --or the simple fact of a second chance-- the convicted dog murderer confessed that he felt discouraged with the NFL's team placement.


Michael Vick warms up, wishing he
could be his own throwing partner.

"I honestly didn't wanna play in Philly."  The former Madden video game cover boy recalls.  "I kinda felt like I deserved to play where I wanted to play."  Without a touch of sarcasm, the one time CEO of Bad Newz Kennelz also spoke pompously about the gratitude the city of brotherly love should have shown him during his second sophomore season.

"I wasn't thankful that I played for them [the Eagles], if anything, they shoulda thanked me for what I did for them."  I guess the Philadelphia fans should be so grateful to have had that first round exit out of the playoffs last year.  Vick probably just forgot to say "you're welcome".

Having not insulted any of his teammates by name, the soon-to-be preseason outcast could no longer resist the temptation.  So as if his less-than-useless image could afford to take another hit, he summed up with the gentleman's magazine by claiming, "We'da been a better team if I didn't have to be our best [running] back, too."