STOUDEMIRE DEFENDS SEXUALITY AMIDST ANNOUNCER'S ON-AIR GAFFE



Amar'e Stoudemire licks his chops in hopes
that he has another bulging disk to deal with.

In reference to a misstated "bulging dick" comment made by an MSG sportscaster, Amar'e Stoudemire spent most of the day answering questions about his sexual orientation. 
Instead of fielding questions related to a possible season-ending bulging disk in his back, the Knicks power forward found himself having to vehemently deny any homosexual tendencies he may or may not have.
"This is fuckin' absurd!" Stoudemire repeated in his new school Barry White-like voice, wondering why no one bothered to ask the sideline reporter why he made that remark.  Before walking away he added, "y'all actin' like I don't get more pussy than a toilet seat... nonsense."
Both nationally syndicated and New York beat writers alike then tried grilling team physicians as to any insight they had towards this regrettable matter.  But unfortunately no one from the team's medical staff knows yet exactly how severe the injury is saying only, "Well if I had a bulging dick in my back, all I would be focused on was that bulging dick in my back."   

BORING HIGH SCHOOL SOCCER GAME QUICKLY BECOMES MUST-SEE-TV

South Carolina is known for a number of things:  A state flag that's essentially Pakistan's with a palm tree, a deep appreciation for fried... whatever, and being last in adult literacy all come to mind. 
What may shock you though, is that girl's high school soccer seems to be one of the palmetto state's most beloved past-times.  Well, at least in Chester County its all the rage.
Spectators and on-lookers were treated to any afternoon cat fight once a simple misunderstanding became, well, a really BIG misunderstanding. 
What appeared to anyone with a pulse to be the innocent tangling of two players legs that resulted in one player losing her footing, apparently was seen as a malicious act of malicing malice from the one player who found herself on the ground.  After abruptly getting to her feet, she quickly rectified the situation by drudging up what must've been recollections of her own recent gang initiation. See below:     

DEATH ROW INMATE EXPRESSES TEAM LOYALTY DURING EXECUTION



In his waning moments, Jesse
Joe Hernandez's worries pertained
only to Hell's satellite TV coverage.

Minutes before Jesse Joe Hernandez took his last remaining breaths he felt compelled not to show any remorse for the brutal beating of a 10-month-old, but instead show, literally, his dieing support for his favorite football team.
"GO COWBOYS!" was shouted, followed by an almost inaudible, "...and God bless everybody."  
The order in which Mr. Hernandez's final statements were given aren't of much concern.  The conflicting enthusiasm of each one is however, somewhat troubling.  Although it would probably explain earlier questions from the prisoner regarding NFL viewing availability in the after-life.  As well as rhetorical inquiries as to whether or not purgatory would be spent watching continuous re-runs of all 3 Redskins' Super Bowl victories.
Oddly enough, Jesse Joe's sports reference didn't even garner up a simple dog-like curiosity head turn from anyone in attendance.  Sadly in fact, the only acknowledgement was a relative who put his hand over his heart, covering the lone star of his outdated Dallas Starter jacket.   

CANSECO FAILS AT DRUG SCREENING, AS WELL AS AT LIFE

The Mexican Baseball League has notified Jose Canseco of not only his stupidity, but also his immediate suspension.  The former big league slugger apparently admitted to using a banned form of testosterone moments before refusing to take a mandatory drug test. 

Jose Canseco was promised that he'd
be paid if an attempt to cry was shown.

If you're anything like me (and I hope for your sake that you're not) you're definitely wondering how, why, and again how the hell is this man still playing baseball.  But if you find yourself to be an official for the Triple-A farm league, we've been told, you were actually hoping for something like this to happen.
"At first we wanted him to play long enough so we could have a good blooper reel," spokesman for the Quintana Tigers Rafael Ruiz began, "but we coulda never dreamed of this shit!"
It seems about right when you think of it though.  Only Jose Canseco could manage to have his reputation ruined in Mexico.  And that was without even sending his brother to go piss for him.
Probably still would've failed though.  

70-YEAR-OLD QUALIFIES FOR OLYMPICS; PASSES OUT SECONDS LATER



Hoketsu appeared to be nodding off
while finishing out the end of his run.

70-year-old Japanese equestrian Hiroshi Hoketsu is in stable condition at his home just outside Tokyo. This after suffering a mild head injury caused when Mr. Hoketsu fell on his face immediately following Olympic qualification.  Oddly enough, the rider was neither rushed to a hospital nor tended to at all for that matter.  Close family, friends, and others around the sport just figured him dead. 
Now the question that remains is whether or not he'll be okay in time for the opening ceremony, or even alive. 
Some have actually speculated that the samurai on horseback is only doing this to get more added attention to sport that no one gives a shit about in most developed countries.  And what better way to make NBC exec's happy over the numbers, but a possible death on any one of their four channels of tape-delayed coverage. 
Hiroshi is not projected to do well at this summer's games, and because of that supporters are quick to remind everybody including myself that "...the man's 70-years-old for fuck's sake!"  But in Japanese it sounds so much nastier.     

WIZARDS TOP LAKERS; FINALLY EARN PAYCHECK

In case you missed it, the Washington Wizards truly deserve their game checks after overcoming a 21-point deficit against the LA Lakers.  Yeah, that's right.  The Lakers.  Not believing it themselves, this certainly came as a blessing for any remaining fans in and outside the beltway.

John Wall was of course referring
to the number of wins the Wizards
have had since the All-Star break.

"If I hadn't have seen this myself, there's no fuckin' way I woulda believed it..." was said by a man who was unable to be identified as he made his way to the restroom through me.  The Verizon Center's third sellout of the year saw thousands of smiles as the home team was able to give their crowd something it hasn't even been good at giving them against bad teams.  A win. 
Everyone was ecstatic, not just the little misbehaved children you catch on the jumbo tron from time to time.  CPA's and doctors alike were acting like they had just sat court side for game 7 of the finals.  Vendors pushed back 'last call' until they ran out, programs which cost $1 before the game were being scalped for $20 a pop afterward, and in some cases more to obviously stupid people.
"This is somethin' I'ma be able to give my grand kids," seemed to be shouted every time an individual would stagger away from the historic purchase.  Nevertheless, F Street will be partying like it's another Chinese New Year for days to come. 
Yes, players and fans are going to let this win sink in just a little more than average.  And who can blame them.  I wouldn't exactly be screaming for a return to a 9-29 reality where my team is 20+ games out of first place.  Instead, I too would want to savor this win.  This one win, out of a lockout-shortened 66-game season.  Enjoy it fellas.  Somehow, you've earned your outrageously absurd days pay.      

LEBRON JAMES' MOTHER MANAGES TO AVOID MUCH NEEDED JAIL TIME

Leaving court, Gloria James
wonders where the fuck her ride is

Lawyers for Gloria James have some how cut a deal with Dade County prosecutors that will keep the 44-year-old out of jail, for now.  The mother of Miami Heat star Lebron James was facing 90 days in a women's detention center and two years probation for public intoxication and battering a valet last April.  Instead, she received a sentence of community service and will be forced to donate $1000 to the Haiti Relief Fund, which, ironically is the same amount she spends on alcohol every week.
Miss James is no stranger to inebriated run-ins with law enforcement.  In 2006, she was arrested in Ohio for drunken driving after resisting a breathalyzer.  According to reports, police in Akron only classified it as resisting after she vomited on the contraption leaving it covered with an "ungodly odor".
The most recent incident had Lebron's mom slapping a hotel employee because the "inconsiderate bastard" had the nerve to take almost 2 minutes retrieving her car.  Unfortunately for Lebron, with the whole thing being caught on surveillance video, the public found out that his mom tips people in the service industry just as much as he does.