SUH'S CPR MISHAP WILL COST HIM TWO GAMES



After being helped to his feet,
Ndamukong Suh had a sudden
and momentary case of vertigo.



The NFL has decided that they do not believe the Thanksgiving Day resuscitation efforts of the Detroit Lions' Ndamukong Suh and have suspended the defensive tackle for two games. 

Suh, who has not yet been reached for comment, is expected to appeal the suspension due to, as one teammate put it, "he don't think he did anything wrong".  And yes, most anyone can clearly see that Suh was simply shoving the head of Green Bay offensive lineman, Evan Dietrich-Smith to ensure that he would not become unresponsive.  I'm not certified myself, but I too always thought that that was the first step you take when performing CPR.

Prior to the decision, Commissioner Roger Goodell had received an apology phone call from last season's rookie of the year, but instead, it was more like pleading his case to a jury.  According to reports, Ndamukong Suh repeatedly said to Goodell things like, "his eyes were rollin' back in his head", "hindsight, I might've panicked" and "I was so disoriented when I got up, I lost my footing".

It's just unfortunate that a story that believable warrants a 2-game suspension.

WRITERS FEEL A.L. CY YOUNG VOTE WAS WASTE OF TIME



Justin Verlander admits that even
he was shocked that it took
so long to get his award.

Every member of the Baseball Writer's Association of America (BBWAA) feels as though they could have skipped the A.L. Cy Young vote this year and just given it straight to Justin Verlander at season's end.  Most in the audience actually thought it was a practical joke, and therefore didn't particularly care for the fact that the group went ahead with the vote, which apparently took somewhere between 7-8 minutes.

"It was absurd."  MLB.com staff assistant, Marty Dumpfkin explains, "Anybody who watched this year knows this was a waste of time.  And we right about baseball, we know what a 'waste of time' is."

Many, if not all, felt that the time could have been added on to a time-pressed restroom break that had just ended seconds before.  In fact, already expecting the extra time before the manager of the year vote, some were late   returning while grabbing an extra cup of coffee from an adjacent conference room.

One voter remembers having to drink his final cup of coffee "without any sweetener at all", and thought for sure that the call back to the room for a vote was "no reason to drink it black".  He was so baffled by the abrupt decision that other writers recall having to hear him complain about his "unfulfilling" cup of coffee for the remainder of the session.  Which took somewhere between 7-8 minutes.   

NFL CASHES IN ON SECOND COMING OF TEBOW



NFL now offering clothing
that can be worn in church.

 Amidst ever-growing conversations about arguably the greatest college football player ever and whether or not said player has any potential professionally, the NFL has decided to take advantage of the situation financially while he's still in uniform.
On NFLShop.com you can purchase a Denver Broncos jersey bearing the name "JESUS" in place of the name "TEBOW".  The league is not at all buying into the rhetoric, however, when an opportunity as lucrative as such is presented to them --with help from an over-used sports cliche-- they can only stay sidelined so long.

"Honestly, we thought we were gonna stop [printing] his number completely."  NFL vice president of apparel, Charles Banger admits, "I mean [his] jersey sales had dropped like me without my Viagra."  The VP was referring to the preseason numbers which did fall due to Tebow's sparse playing time.

"We were all takin' bets as to which network he'd be workin' for this time next year."  Long time NFL factory worker, Denard Naggers explains, "Now, I'll be sewin' these stupid things for the next few years."  Mr. Naggers wasn't sure if that was constituted as blasphemy, so he did quickly apologize to both Tebow, and Jesus.  In that order.     

BOB KNIGHT NOT IMPRESSED WITH COACH K'S ACCOMPLISHMENT



Bob Knight wrestles with the idea
of choking out one of his former
  players (again) in front of the media. 

 Mike Krzyzewski breaks the all-time wins record for Men's Division I basketball against the Michigan State Spartans, but not all of the 19,979 in attendance at Madison Square Garden were captivated by the victory.  Bob Knight, whose record Krzyzewski surpassed, was the only member of the 3-man broadcast crew that consistently pointed out the coach's downfalls.
"Coach K has always relied on his relentless, dynamic, and talented assistants," Knight began as he color-commentated, "more so than John Wooden or myself ever did."
Jay Bilas, who sat next to Knight and played under Krzyzewski, was quick to come to his former coach's defense saying, "Very true, coach.  But I'm pretty sure he or his assistant's never had to rely on choking players to get their attention."  Bilas of course was referring to the incident at Indiana University that eventually lead to Knight's demise.

Knight couldn't help but play arm-chair referee, as he enthusiastically applauded the officials every time a call went against the Blue Devils.  Some say it was the only time Bob Knight has ever commended any type of officiating at any level.

Coach Knight did eventually congratulate Coach K, albeit the backhanded variety.  When the two finally exchanged a handshake at the press table, witnesses heard the mentor say, "... 'bout time, kid.  I got most of my wins in a football conference.  You've been in the ACC how long?"

According to Pat Knight, Bob's son, that's the "best pat on the back one can receive from that stubborn has been."   

MANAGER SKIPS SON'S WEDDING; IMPORTANT EXHIBITION GAME TO COACH



Fabio Capello is seen saying "good-bye"
 to a few family members in attendance.

England coach Fabio Capello missed his youngest son's wedding this weekend to coach what he called a "much more important friendly" between a country he doesn't even reside in (England) and a another that he wishes he was from (Spain).  All seemed to be completely understood by immediate and extended relatives though, as it is well known that Capello doesn't exactly care for his recently acquired daughter-in-law. 
Adding what seemed to be insult to insult, England won the meaningless match 1-0, in what afterwards the coach called "the greatest day" of his life and would rather be "no where else at this moment."  He was in tears as he exited the pitch victoriously, mentioning not a word of son Pierfilippo's special day back home.
However, when finally reached for comment, the newly wed son took the high road in saying, "I'm fine with it, really.  When you have a dad that's this unsuccessful at what he does for a living, the last thing you wanna do is make him feel worse."

PATERNO WANTS TO BE FORCED OUT ON HIS OWN TERMS



A confused Joe Paterno cheers
 at what he believes to be a late
night pep rally on his lawn. 

 Joe Paterno has decided to step down, due mostly in part with the board of trustees forcing the 84 year old's overdue retirement...  and only partly because he can't see or hear anybody.  Penn State officials wouldn't comment directly to this matter saying only that they "feel saddened" that the man whose 46 year head coaching tenure "will only be remembered just for trying to cover up a couple acts of child rape."
Recent allegations of sexual molestation involving former defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky have shocked this campus all week, even though nobody seemed to bat an eye 11 years ago when a former janitor said he witnessed, basically the exact same incident.  The question now has turned to whether or not the hall of fame coach did enough once hearing of this matter 2 years ago.

Many feel the answer would be "no" considering the average person has to "tell him things 2 or 3 times before he actually retains it" and even then it "lasts only a few minutes, at best."

Even after his retirement announcement at the end of the season, the debate has now begun on if Joe should be able to coach this weekend against the visiting Cornhusker's.  A source close to the team couldn't say much, but did say, "Who gives a shit?  When was the last fuckin' time JoePa actually coached a game?"       

INJURED MANNING BEGS TO BE EXCLUDED FROM WATCHING ANYMORE COLTS GAMES



Peyton Manning can hardly stand the
taste of Gatorade while sidelined, but
understands his endorsement obligations.



It comes as no surprise to anyone, but without Peyton Manning this year, the Indianapolis Colts are borderline unwatchable.  What may come as a surprise, is that Peyton himself doesn't even think its borderline.

"Nerve damage is one thing, but I may need Lasik [surgery] after havin' watched some of this shit!"  Manning's stern position toward this situation couldn't go unnoticed while at the team's practice facility.  Which is why some closest to this matter feel management will conjure up some "personal affairs" excuse that the franchise quarterback will undoubtedly have to attend to. 

According to sources, Peyton Manning had first requested that the organization get NFL Sunday Ticket in the owner's box, as a resolution to the All-Pro's viewing dilemma.  But with attendance down due to abysmal back-up quarterback play and a defensive line that couldn't stop shoplifting, the Colt's front office felt it best to just excuse Peyton rather than spend money on the somewhat expensive Directv package.

In an unrelated story, Peyton Manning will become the first inactive player to receive a substantial amount of MVP votes.