BREWERS WANTED TO CELEBRATE DIVISION TITLE WITH BUD LIGHT

The Milwaukee Brewers last night clinched their first NL Central title since, well, forever.  But they were somewhat discouraged upon hearing that their requests for something other than Miller-owned alcoholic beverages went unfulfilled.

The Brewers somberly stand outside

the dugout, reluctant to enter their

 improperly beer-stocked locker room.

"It's not like we were asking for better champagne."  Batboy Joshua Hinkel,  waiting outside of Miller Park for his ride remembers.  "Most of us just thought that ownership trying to pawn off it's unsold MGD 64's was not exactly splurging!"  The majority in the clubhouse echoed this sentiment, as many players were seen reaching into their lockers for a low-cal version of the king of beers.Some fans now worry that the Brew Crew will collapse in the NLDS over this lingering resentment towards management with this now, very public beverage meltdown.  

Others feel that even if the whole team was on steroids or piss-drunk, it wouldn't matter once they'd have to face the Phillies dominant pitching staff.  "We don't have a snowball's chance in hell," Brookfield resident, William Taller laments, "that is unless they made the series into one of those beer-drinking softball leagues.  But even then we'd probably still get swept."       

  





NBA CANCELS TRAINING CAMP, REMINDING PUBLIC JUST HOW USELESS IT IS DURING FOOTBALL



David Stern waits out
 questions, knowing
  he has yet to set his
 fantasy football lineup
  for the weekend.

While trying to capture some of the sports spotlight, the NBA announced this week that they have decided to suspend training camp as well as most of the league's preseason games. 
This comes straight out of left field for those who completely forgot that professional basketball was even dealing with a lockout.  Football fans everywhere struggle with the idea of this being newsworthy however, pointing to the lack of interest with the NBA season until weeks after the Super Bowl.
 "It's not even Week 3 of the NFL," annoying Giants fan, Rickie Tugler begins, "what the fuck makes David Stern think I give a shit about missed exhibition games?"
Indeed, most thought it was pointless reporting on the possibility of several superstars playing overseas, but this, they simply describe as a waste of 140-character journalism.  In fact, many would argue that the only reason they know there's basketball on on Christmas day, is because they know there's no football.
So when January rolls around, and TNT realizes how good their Thursday night ratings for Law & Order: SVU re-runs have been, maybe then they'll wonder why they even paid for the rights to 50-some regular season games in the first place.  Let alone, wasted time and space with labor negotiation updates on the network's website.  Just let people know if the 3 month long playoffs will start on time.    



WITHOUT TIGER WOODS, GOLF CHANNEL QUESTIONS EXISTANCE

In a shocking turn of events, the most controversial decision from golf --since it started to allow participants other than white males-- was announced today with great regret. 

"It saddens me to say, but with the inconsistency's of Tiger Woods's playing schedule, the PGA just doesn't see the purpose of having an entire network devoted to a sport that no one even knows is on unless Mr. Woods is playing."  Dugen Pheffer, a USGA executive, confessed this awkwardly tearful message at a press conference today.  

Even most of the governing officials
 couldn't say what number The Golf
Channel was on their cable providers.

None of this should come as a surprise to anyone, though.  Ratings for tournaments not including Tiger, only wish they could have even PBS after hours numbers.  Which would explain why over half of the days programming is infomercials, and now, rarely ever golf related. 

The Golf Channel did try and hang on as long as they could with reality based shot-challenging shows, but in the end, those too weren't even enough to barely keep the contestants attention.

The truly heart breaking news has to be for the many on the amateur circuit.  When Mr. Dugen was asked what he thought this meant for the Nationwide Tour, he paused his, what could only be described as fake choking up and replied, "The fuck is the Nationwide Tour?"            

SURPRISING AS IT SOUNDS, $200 MILLION WILL BUY SUCCESS

The Yankees clinch their 12th division title in 16 years last night, but some fans aren't too pleased with the excessive champagne showering after what they refer to as a "fuckin' whoop-tee-doo!" 


Teammates oblige, as Alex Rodriguez
tells them to put it right in his mouth.


It's been no secret to the rest of MLB fans for, oh say, the last 20-something years.  They expect the Yankees to be in the World Series every year, maybe even more so than their own obnoxious fans.  It's understandable for them to be upset over all this, but what may come as a shocker to some is that now there's a good handful of even the most die-hard NY fans that are fed up.  As one life-longer put it, " these party's for absolutely no accomplishment are absurd, and demeaning!"
A couple of clubhouse members for the team think that the organization itself isn't that impressed with the AL East title, pointing to the mildly chilled Korbel that was being thrown around the room without any idea of it's $22/bottle retail value (the labels had been scratched off just prior to the final out of the ninth inning).

A Yankees intern was actually seen being chewed out by a senior front office official.  No one around was sure about the meaning of the incident, although a few have speculated that it probably was pertaining to the amount that was "still blown on this bullshit celebration."       

RED SOX EXPRESS LACK OF INTEREST IN POST-SEASON

With only a few games left in baseball's regular season, the Boston Red Sox have announced today that they have no desire to play October baseball.  A pitiful home series with the Baltimore Orioles is what most fans are pointing to, but the truth is, most of the team just wants to concentrate on their fantasy football leagues.  As one team member put it, "Most of us have either Tom Brady or Aaron Rodgers as starting QB, and that's just too important to fuck up this early in the fantasy season."


Dustin Pedroia wonders if there's anyway
he can make a trade for Calvin Johnson.

Most in Beantown are completely sympathetic, knowing the kind of stats both men have already started to rack up.  The Red Sox are no different than most average sports fans, in that once the NFL season kicks off, the already suffering attention span of baseball viewing increases tenfold.

"We're just like everybody else," an anonymous bullpen journeyman explains, "this time of year nobody gives a shit about watching the game, so why should we give a shit about playin' the game."

In related news, with the Tampa Bay Rays struggling to gain ground in the AL East, it appears that the Red Sox will have to play well into Autumn.  Apparently they have Tom Brady on their fantasy teams as well.