NICK SABAN ASKS NCAA IF SEC CHAMPIONSHIP COULD BE NEW BCS FINAL

Alabama man-handled Notre Dame in the BCS Championship to earn the school back-to-back titles and their third in four years.  Which made head coach Nick Saban and the rest of the Crimson Tide say that the season finale had a real anti-climactic feel to it.

Nick Saban could hardly contain him-
self while going through the motions
 for yet another title celebration.

"It just left a bad tastes in our mouth's," offensive lineman Barrett Jones recalled, "I mean, that's really what me and A.J. [McCarron] were frustrated about out there."  Jones was referring to a late game on-field spat that he and the starting quarterback were engaged in while simultaneously clinging to a 35-point fourth quarter lead.
"I mean we were so pissed, we started fightin' with ourselves!" Junior running back Eddie Lacy's obvious resentment was stemming from a lack of competition for the second straight year.  "Our conference championship as a helluva lot more entertaining than this shit was!"  Never mind that last year 'Bama shut out fellow SEC rival LSU 21-0 for the title. 
Nevertheless, Nick Saban echoed his players sentiment about ending the season after the more compelling SEC Championship game every year.  Went even further as to say that he felt deep remorse for any sponsors who had advertisements airing only in the second half of the broadcast, knowing that they "...were surely not seen by anyone outside of Tuscaloosa." 
Coach was pretty dead-on. 
Ratings show that most everybody outside of the state of Alabama stopped watching before the first quarter came to an end, and, evidence suggests that maybe even most of the in-stadium Tide fans became bored with the whole ordeal, as chants of "Roll Tide Roll!" ended well before halftime.

NOTRE DAME APOLOGIZES TO FANS FOR HUMILIATING PERFORMANCE

It has been 25 years since Notre Dame has won a National Championship in football, and after last night, the faithfuls will have to wait at least one more year.  After a 42-14 beat down from Alabama, Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly sent his sincerest apologies to anyone who made the travel accommodations to South Beach.

Coach Brian Kelly stares at the scoreboard, only to realize
that the game is well out of reach before halftime.

"I have nothing to say but I'm sorry." Coach Kelly began his post game press conference from the heart.  "To all of our fans who made the trek down here, I wish there was something I or the school could do to correct this emotional embarrassment."
Some from South Bend and others from around the country were curious just how straightforward Kelly was when he made his statement, even wondering if he or the university would be reimbursing alumni for their wasted travels.  Kelly did not comment publicly but was later to have said, "...it's the least we could do, although I'm sure the NCAA would have something to say about it."  They would indeed, considering that they don't even let scholarship athletes have extra cream cheese for a bagel.
The Irish shouldn't be sulking for too long, with fourteen starters returning, its almost a definite that they'll have another shot to get shamed on national television next year.
Alabama however, only hopes that with next years championship, viewers will stay tuned in well after the second quarter.

CHIP KELLY TURNS DOWN BROWNS; CHOOSES NOT TO RUIN CAREER

After interviewing for the vacant head coaching position with Cleveland following his impressive Fiesta Bowl victory, Oregon Ducks head man decides that he's going to stay in Eugene.  Chip Kelly and his ego were probably so excited to entertain the idea of coaching at the next level, that they didn't even notice until it was too late that the team showing interest were the embarrassing Browns.

Chip Kelly is relieved that he
 avoided what would have been the
 worst move of his coaching career.

"I didn't even realize where I was." Kelly said, referring to the lack of knowledge as to his whereabouts. 
"It wasn't until I shook his [Jimmy Haslam's] hand and saw all the dog pound memorabilia plastered everywhere that it actually hit me!" Chip continued about being first introduced to the Browns new owner.  "Holy shit!  This is to coach Cleveland?!"
Most people in the Browns front office were just as bewildered that Kelly had even accepted the invite to come out.  Some had even joked that his handlers must have been keeping him in the dark about his travel arrangements, which would definitely coincide with the coach not having a clue as to his immediate surroundings.
A press release from Cleveland spokesperson Warren Chubbley had this to say:  "Ultimately we're discouraged with the decision coach Kelly has made.  Not only because we feel that our unmatched, loyal fan base would've been pleased with his hiring, but more importantly, because we undoubtedly know that we will absolutely frustrate those same dedicated fans with the inevitable, horrible signing of some guy that no one, including us, will have ever heard of."
On a related note, the Browns are currently in talks with a former CFL assistant.

RG3 FINALLY HURTS HIMSELF ENOUGH FOR SKINS TO BENCH HIM

Coach Mike Shanahan never imagined finishing the Redskins season with a back-up quarterback, but after Robert Griffin III could no longer play on his one good leg, that's exactly what the 2-time Super Bowl winning coach was forced to do on Sunday night.

While on the sideline, RG3
prays that he won't be asked
to go back into the game.

RG3 went down late in the fourth quarter --not from being violently hit like he was earlier in the season-- but after being unable to retrieve a low snap that he just couldn't maneuver quick enough (or at all) to fall on.  Most Redskins fans at FedEx had initially thought that the poor playing surface was all that was to blame, until they remembered that Griffin had essentially been playing with just his left leg since the injury occured during the Ravens game a few weeks past.
"With Robert lying face down, I could hear [Dr. James] Andrews shrieking behind me on the sideline," Redskins coach Mike Shanahan explained during the post game, "but I figured I'd wait to see if Griffin still wanted to play before I made that decision for him."
You'd think a coach that won 2 championships with arguably one of the greatest quarterbacks to ever play would know how important it is to keep a franchise QB healthy.  But apparently, Shanahan felt that the 7-game winning streak going into the playoffs was due to their kicking game.  RG3 covered for his superior afterwards saying that, "...if coach wanted me to throw while hoppin' on one foot, then I guess that means I'm still the best option for this team."  While Kurt Cousins was probably not thrilled with that response, somewhere third stringer Rex Grossman was nodding in agreement.
Surely the burgundy and gold faithful will have plenty to cheer about in the future, but as for now, they're gonna have to spend the next few months wondering why Mike Shanahan's son, offensive coordinator Kyle Shanahan, continued to design plays that would eventually lead to Griffin's painful and uncomfortable off-season.  

SOMEHOW LACKING FUNDS, THE LINGERIE FOOTBALL LEAGUE SUSPENDS 2012 SEASON

The US Lingerie Football League has announced it will be in hiatus for the 2012 season, citing that an "insufficient amount of investors" is the reason for the year-long forfeiture.  Seems hard to believe when you consider that it's not only football, it's football played basically by strip club employees.

Lindsay Tilts (front) of the Seattle Bangers,
still can't believe that guys would rather
watch other guys doing this same thing.

A spokesman for the LFL has said they will be looking to expand the league into Canada for the 2013 season.  Also, they're trying to garner enough interest to form lingerie fantasy league's.  Some critics feel however, that that idea will never become popular considering most guys would want to be alone during the Internet draft.
Coaches and players from every team though feel that the problem is strongly related to the marketing of their sport.  "We're hot, we're half naked, and we're hitting each other.  It's not that hard of a sell, even to homosexuals." 
This was the sentiment shared throughout every lace-willed locker room across the league.  I think one player from the Dallas Tassels summed it up best when she said, "If [commissioner] Holton Biggs spent as much time marketing our sport as he did masturbating to it, then we'd probably be doin' better than the WNBA."    

LAMAR ODOM DEFENDS HIS KARDASHIAN-LIKE MELTDOWN



Lamar Odom was given only
five minutes to leave the
American Airlines Center be-
fore security would be called.

Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban thought he was doing Lamar Odom a favor when he signed him to the reigning NBA champs franchise. 
Turns out the sixth man of the year winner Mr. Khloe Kardashian, didn't care too much for his new surroundings.  The team has asked him not to show up anymore, as he's been put on paid leave like a policeman whose being investigated for blatant wrong doing.
Despite having to deal with two close deaths in his life, Odom checked out long before the season began.
Sources close to the team have said that the 6'10" power forward would sleep during team meetings, spend morning shoot-around's in the bathroom, and would show up half drunk or hungover to team charity events.  This, on top of averaging less than 5 PPG.
A spokesman for the 2-time NBA champion said that his client had nothing to say except, "Whatever."  And adding only that Mr. Odom's wife never thought this city was a good fit for their somehow popular reality TV show.
Considering Lamar Odom has gotten pretty accustomed to the public freak show that are his in-laws, it's no wonder why he probably looked at Texas as small town living, notwithstanding the size of most of his neighbors. 

BLUE JAYS' HOME OPENER SO BORING FANS STAGE A FIGHT

Ontario, Canada probably wouldn't be considered by many to be a baseball mecca.  Now having said that, they're actually are still a few Canucks that truly enjoy watching our national pastime.  Except this season perhaps. 
During Toronto's home opener versus the Boston Red Sox, some fans were so discouraged with the monotonous inactivity that in the middle of just the 3rd inning they decided they'd liven up the day for their fellow spectators. 
This entailed inciting a faux brouhaha which quickly escalated in to something more than just spilled beer.  Which of course, would've been reason enough for the escalation, had it not been Labatt's.
You can view a portion of the morons below:

The fight lasted all but two minutes.  The amazing thing is, there wasn't one player --on either team--that exerted that much energy for the entire game. 
Obviously methamphetamine played a significant role in the adolescence's afternoon.