SOMEHOW LACKING FUNDS, THE LINGERIE FOOTBALL LEAGUE SUSPENDS 2012 SEASON

The US Lingerie Football League has announced it will be in hiatus for the 2012 season, citing that an "insufficient amount of investors" is the reason for the year-long forfeiture.  Seems hard to believe when you consider that it's not only football, it's football played basically by strip club employees.

Lindsay Tilts (front) of the Seattle Bangers,
still can't believe that guys would rather
watch other guys doing this same thing.

A spokesman for the LFL has said they will be looking to expand the league into Canada for the 2013 season.  Also, they're trying to garner enough interest to form lingerie fantasy league's.  Some critics feel however, that that idea will never become popular considering most guys would want to be alone during the Internet draft.
Coaches and players from every team though feel that the problem is strongly related to the marketing of their sport.  "We're hot, we're half naked, and we're hitting each other.  It's not that hard of a sell, even to homosexuals." 
This was the sentiment shared throughout every lace-willed locker room across the league.  I think one player from the Dallas Tassels summed it up best when she said, "If [commissioner] Holton Biggs spent as much time marketing our sport as he did masturbating to it, then we'd probably be doin' better than the WNBA."    

LAMAR ODOM DEFENDS HIS KARDASHIAN-LIKE MELTDOWN



Lamar Odom was given only
five minutes to leave the
American Airlines Center be-
fore security would be called.

Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban thought he was doing Lamar Odom a favor when he signed him to the reigning NBA champs franchise. 
Turns out the sixth man of the year winner Mr. Khloe Kardashian, didn't care too much for his new surroundings.  The team has asked him not to show up anymore, as he's been put on paid leave like a policeman whose being investigated for blatant wrong doing.
Despite having to deal with two close deaths in his life, Odom checked out long before the season began.
Sources close to the team have said that the 6'10" power forward would sleep during team meetings, spend morning shoot-around's in the bathroom, and would show up half drunk or hungover to team charity events.  This, on top of averaging less than 5 PPG.
A spokesman for the 2-time NBA champion said that his client had nothing to say except, "Whatever."  And adding only that Mr. Odom's wife never thought this city was a good fit for their somehow popular reality TV show.
Considering Lamar Odom has gotten pretty accustomed to the public freak show that are his in-laws, it's no wonder why he probably looked at Texas as small town living, notwithstanding the size of most of his neighbors. 

BLUE JAYS' HOME OPENER SO BORING FANS STAGE A FIGHT

Ontario, Canada probably wouldn't be considered by many to be a baseball mecca.  Now having said that, they're actually are still a few Canucks that truly enjoy watching our national pastime.  Except this season perhaps. 
During Toronto's home opener versus the Boston Red Sox, some fans were so discouraged with the monotonous inactivity that in the middle of just the 3rd inning they decided they'd liven up the day for their fellow spectators. 
This entailed inciting a faux brouhaha which quickly escalated in to something more than just spilled beer.  Which of course, would've been reason enough for the escalation, had it not been Labatt's.
You can view a portion of the morons below:

The fight lasted all but two minutes.  The amazing thing is, there wasn't one player --on either team--that exerted that much energy for the entire game. 
Obviously methamphetamine played a significant role in the adolescence's afternoon.

31 TEAMS SHARE SIGH OF RELIEF WHILE SAINTS TAKE ONE FOR THE TEAM

With the NFL expected to send down some harsh punishments for those involved in the so-called "bounty scandal", players from the other 31 teams sent out a collective "Thank you guys!" as well as a public, preemptive approval for whatever penalties the league decided to hand out.

Former Saints defensive coordinator Greg Williams is seen
apologizing to linebacker Jonathan Vilma for a promised
bounty payment he was apparently trying to renege on. 

Not one player rep from any of the other teams could explain why the Saints, and the Saints alone, were being targeted by the commissioner.  It should also be stated that we struggled to find any players who disapproved of the league's treatment of the Saints.
"I have no idea why they're pickin' on the Saints," an inebriated spokesman for the NFC South rival Falcons began, "and I don't give a shit why they're pickin' on the Saints, jus' so long as they're only pickin' on the Saints."
No one is disagreeing that the Saints are being singled-out, and to say the Saints are being unfairly treated is an understatement.  But in recent years, if there's any city that's used to getting completely fucked over by people in authoritative positions, its New Orleans.
  

MLB CONSIDERS RELEGATING ORIOLES AFTER COMMUNITY COLLEGE LOSS

Baltimore manager Buck Showalter may have considered the game nothing more than a "controlled scrimmage", but Bud Selig and other league officials are seriously contemplating a triple, and possibly even a double A relegation for the Camden Yards club.

Wieters was unsuccessful in breaking up a double play even
 though the Orioles were successful in embarrassing themselves.

In what technically was an exhibition game played just before opening day, the O's lost to something called the State College of Florida Manatees (or SCF, if you're that in tune with junior college baseball).  And although the game was not a blowout, it was however televised.  Albeit on Sarasota public access, there were actual witnesses to the 2-1 defeat outside of Ed Smith Stadium.
"I only came down here to get [Matt] Wieters' autograph," an unnamed loyal Manatees fan said while smiling, "but instead I couldn't stop laughing at him and his teammates!"
The commissioner surely doesn't want to deal with this black eye on the game, but as orioles fans will be quick to point out, their team has been nothing but a black eye on the league since before, and after Ripken retired.